Here is the problem.
I have 3 insanely wonderful children. They are not acting the part today but I know that they are still wonderful underneath the messes and the tantrums. I never signed up for any of them. They were all sent to me like a surprise package on your doorstep when it is neither Christmas nor your birthday. After the second surprise, which showed up in the form of a 7 pound 10 ounce package that we call Alex, we decided that we were done.
As soon as we decided to make that official, I found out I was pregnant. I was a real brat through my entire pregnancy. I never got excited, until I saw Chloe. She was the easiest little person to fall in love with. I felt so blessed that I was sent one last surprise. I quickly repented of my negativity and held her way more than I needed to. I often cried just looking at her. When she was newborn, I stayed home from church for several weeks because she was sick. Everyone would file out the door and I would grab a blanket and lie her on my chest and wrap her up tight and hold her for 3 full hours. Blissful hours where the whole world was all ours. There in our own private sanctuary I felt God so close to me. I knew she was last and I wanted to cement that moment in my heart.
A month or so after her birth we were ready to pull the plug on the whole baby operation. The doctor strongly recommended that we wait two years because he saw so many people have regrets later. We were ready. I didn't want another baby. I had the perfect little one right there in my arms. But we followed his advice and waited.
Now, nearly two years later the appointment has been set. No big deal, this was always the plan, but my heart hurts a lot. I don't want another child, at least I don't think I do, so why do I feel like I am sitting on death row with only a few more days to appeal my sentence.
When I think about it I really don't want to be pregnant again. I don't want any more kids. We wanted two. We got three. Three is good, three is the new 5. We want to make sure we can afford our kids. We want to make sure that we have time for each child to guide them through this crazy world. Three is good and they are a good three. There is nothing missing. I can't envision anyone else in my family picture no matter how hard I squint.
So what is wrong with me? Why the emotional outbursts? I think I am just devastated at the idea of closing this chapter in my life. (oh crap, here come the water works again) I love having little kids and I love babies. Even if I had 15 more I am sure the decision to move forward from the best part of my life would still be difficult. I just can't imagine it getting any better than this. I love having little ones home with me. I love the preschool years, and I mostly love newborns. Holding your own baby has to be the most amazing feeling in the whole world. They are fresh from God, on loan to you for just a moment, but oh what a moment. I want more of those moments, only without the kids that grow from those moments.
I know, I am a hopeless disaster.
Chloe and Alex are campaigning for the prosecution today. Alex had a good solid tantrum when I asked him to clean up the water he spilled. Chloe is just a piece of work lately. She refuses to sit in a high chair or a stroller or a shopping cart. She goes berserk when I put her in the car seat. She wants to be in a booster with the big kids. I almost have to sit on her to get her buckled in. She hits and scratches and asks for daddy whenever she doesn't get her way. She has turned in to a very big girl already. I guess that is what happens when you are third.
Imagine a fourth. It would be full grown by the time we got home from the hospital. Life just keeps moving faster. Isn't that the oldest, most cliche thing you have ever heard. Adults used to annoy you when they said that or told you that you were just a baby yesterday. Remember when the distance from one Christmas to the next was so vast that it was painful, and now you find yourself begging time to slow down? Begging for your kids to stay kids so you can hold them and protect them, just a little longer.
I guess that is where my confusion comes in. No matter what I do my kids will eventually grow up and move on. I can't bottle these years up and keep them. I can't rewind and start over. I can't have another baby just to feed my own selfish need to be a mother for just a moment longer, but I so desperately want to be a mother for just a moment longer. I am in the happiest place I have ever been and it hurts to know that I am completely powerless to make it last.
So I will keep praying for strength and comfort and answers. I wish we'd just done this two years ago when I had a baby in my arms to help me through it. But come what may, I have been so deeply blessed. I feel so selfish crying. Some people try so hard to have a family and it was so easy for me. I had three easy pregnancies, three perfect babies and a family that brings me immense joy even through the tantrums. It really has been an amazing run, but it still sucks when your favorite show gets cancelled.
Season One: Alyssa
Season Two: Alexander
Bonus Material: Chloe
16 comments:
I've actually thought about this very thing many times. Even though I do want to have one more baby, it still means that the end is nearing and that upsets me. I don't always love the little kid stage, so why would it bother me to not do it again? Well, here is my theory. As women, our purpose in this life is to have children. To bring spirits into this world so that they to can gain bodies and be tested. So, if we call it quits, it's like saying my job is done. I don't have a purpose anymore. Of course if we were to look at it logically , we would know that's not true. Our children still need us to love and nurture them. But, were women, so we usually think with our emotions and not our brains.
It is heart-wrenching when you finally KNOW this one is the last one. Even if you know you don't want another, or wouldn't be ready for another, or would be upset if you got pregnant. Even at my age, I can still feel my babies in my arms, looking at them, talking to them, nursing them, and my heart breaks to just hold them again, if only for a little while. It's as though a part of you has been ripped out. But this decision isn't just yours or Seth's--you need to feel the peace that comes with knowing it's the right decision for you at the right time. Will it hurt? Yes, for years--maybe even eternities. But when it's the right decision, your heart and soul will be at peace with it. The Spirit will whisper peace to you, and you'll find the strength to say that it's OK, this is right for ME.
Great--now you've got me bawling too. I would love to hold my little ones again, just for a moment (even Seth!)
You're a great mom and I understand that this is difficult. Rely on the Spirit, ask for strength, and before you know it, you'll be wishing you could hold your sweet GRANDCHILDREN for just a few more moments!
You've got me too--can you pray for our answer also. 3 is great! love it too. If it were me, I'd just keep praying and put off that 2 year doctor visit let fate happen, the Lord will give you what you need. AND it sounds like Satan is trying hard to get to you too. Good luck.
Ann said everything that was in my heart and more--I couldn't say it better or even add to her inspired advice. Grandchildren make up for everything you missed as you sit back and enjoy the perks. I love it all! It's such a blessing to watch your daughters become such wonderful moms.
Oops--I made the above comment from dad's email--sorry.
Sally, you can't have one more if I don't. We are always pregnant together and we always have the same sex baby. Ha,Ha! I don't feel like a woman's role is to be a mom, in general. We don't have to have kids to be valuable. I know lots of valuable women who never go down that road but for me this is it. This is the life I love. I am not a kid person and I can't believe this is who I ended up becoming but it is EVERYTHING. I agree that we do compare our role as Mothers to our future roles and for me it seems like nothing else could be so real or important again. I went through the same ugly transition after my mission. It is really hard to walk away from something you love, even if your time is up.
Ann, First of all, you know Seth was your favorite. I won't tell! :) Thanks for your words. It is just going to be hard no matter when it happens. I think there is no way around that.
Mackinzee, the only problem with the whole fate thing is that fate loves for me to be pregnant, no matter what I have to say about it. I had thyroid and cramping problems that were supposed to make me less fertile but even despite my best efforts, I kept getting pregnant. I am not complaining. I know many women would kill for that curse. But I am afraid to completely leave fate at the wheel. I think ideally I would wait two more years just to be sure, with no intention of having a baby but I don't trust my body to stay unpregnant for two more years. I think if I had ever planned a baby this would be less confusing. I don't know how to know when it is time to have one and when it is time not to. But you're right, Satan does love to see me down and discouraged.
Linda, I thought that was a funny comment from my dad. It just didn't sound like his voice plus he e-mailed me his thoughts earlier today. Grandbabies are probably sent specifically to help women fill that need to hold a baby again.
Thanks all of you for being supportive of me and not telling me to buck up and get over it. That is what I was telling myself but in reality I needed to be sad for a minute and I needed all the virtual hugs you are sending my way.
Awww, now you've got me wiping away tears and considering having another 5 or 6. I thought I was done at 2, too (even to the point of selling EVERYTHING baby and planning our lives around 2). Then last summer brought us a surprise but took it away before we could really get used to the idea. Now we've got Violet, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
You've got 3 beautiful children that will grow, and you will grow with them. Even those dreaded teenage years will be an exciting chapter in your life. One day they will bless your lives with grandchildren. There are so many things to look forward to in this life.
You hit it right on the head with this one. Of course, I usually do identify with you. I would have been done at 3, except I had to try one more time for the boy. We got it. That was it. 4 was plenty! Then we got the surprise package that blew us both away. We really had no idea how it arrived if not by a miracle of God. She must be meant to be here with us! I didnt want it. I wanted to send it back, or give it to someone else to enjoy who really wanted it. I cried for weeks, I dreaded the whole pregnancy knowing that I had number 5 coming. How was I going to do it!? I could barely handle my 4! Then it tuned out to be another girl...I was so mad at her! At least I could have had another boy, I already had 3 girls! What was the purpose of this?
Then she arrived, and of course from that moment, guilt ran over me as I thought...how could I not want this precious gift? Like you were saying...so many people cant have kids, and here I am having them at the drop of a hat. She was perfect, and innocent and had to come to our family. We would make it work. We would all squeeze together to make room for her. I still dont know why God has trusted me with 5 kids of all people. I dont see myself as the type of person that can handle that. But God knows what we can handle, so leave it up to him when you make your descision. He knows better than us. I never thought I could do 5 in my wildest dreams, but here I am...doing it. And I know it will pay off. Are we done...YES, double yes. For sure. There will be no more surprises for us. I do love newborn babies and am a little sad knowing I will never experience that again. But I can be content just looking at other peoples, maybe holding them once in a while, and then giving them back knowing that I am past that stage of being up all night (well almost), and having to lug around that heavy car seat. Its all good. There are a lot more moments to come to cherish that will be over in the blink of an eye!
Okay, that was a long response, but you touched a subject close to any mothers heart. What did you expect!?
My, haven't you opened a big can of worms!! I actually just thought about this very thing the other day. We decided four was a good number for us. We have two of both and I feel my patience is about stretched to my limit. I also feel sometimes that they don't get enough one on one time because there are four so close together. I didn't do anything permanent just for the fact the hospital was a Catholic and did not allow your tubes to be tied. So I got the IUD.
Recently I have gotten sad as I realize that Hailey is getting older. I love having that newborn as well. I love holding them for the first time and feeling so much love and wonder for that little life. I got a little depressed thinking that I am old enough to call my baby days quits. So I am right with you. I think it just is sad to finally close a chapter in your life that you loved so much for good. Thank goodness for trouble from my kids which reminds me that I have my plate full right now. Especially when Corey is gone all day and all evening. So I am basically a single mom during the week. Which is way too hard for me. I find myself losing my temper way more than I should. But I am pretty sure Corey and I feel complete and unless there is some divine intervention then we are stopping. It is ok to feel sad.
Forgive me for dropping in from Sarah's blog, but I want to reassure you that mothering is eternal. There will always be more people to love along the way. Your children will meet partners you will love, they will have children you will love more than you can possibly imagine right now. Please be assured that your feelings are natural, it is a process to learn to let go, especially of the unknown. Crying is a totally appropriate response to a huge life changing experience. Your questions are all part of the Big Plan to help you be sure you DO feel peace when you have explored all of the options and still know in your heart you are doing the right thing...whatever that choice is to you. And finally, remember that these promptings we get when we know we need to make major decisions come from a Higher Place of Love, and that Spirit is always near showering you with love. You will feel that "Peace that passeth all understanding". Everyone who loves you holds you near.
Jen, thanks for letting me vent to you a little bit yesterday. After I watch Violet tomorrow we'll see if I am more or less resolved to be done?
Heather, I remember when you were pregnant with Brylee and you were so bummed out but she really is so cute and irreplaceable. You seem made for 5 kids to me. The kids are always dressed perfectly with the cutest hair and you seem to have it all together. They are 5 lucky little munchkins, and no I didn't use the word munchkins because they are short.
Looking at Brylee crawling already reminds me that the newborn stage really is over way too quickly to justify having more kids just for a newborn.
Kory, I once thought that you and Corey would end up with 8 kids. The 4 you have are so beautiful though and how perfect to have 2 boys together and then 2 girls together. You are right, having kids running around driving you nuts all day should be the perfect birth control but somehow us crazy moms still always yearn for a baby again. Then they turn in to naughty little kiddos...we never learn, do we?
Marie, Don't apologize for dropping in, it is good to have you. Thank you for your kind words and your wisdom. It means a lot to me to hear from my regulars, but it touches my heart to have you reach out to me as well.
Well, I typed up a whole comment last night while I was working and I swear I hit publish, but it disappeared again. This happened before, so I'm going to have to stop doing that.
Anyway, I just hope you have a better day today--good luck with that hospital bill! Also good luck with your decision. That really is a tough one. I'm certainly not going to try to tell you one way or the other, but I loved how well you put into words what it feels like to hold your own little babies. There's nothing like it. Really.
When I let myself think that maybe we won't get anymore (not that I'm giving up or anything, just that it could happen, you know), then I totally panic, and then I think that's crazy, I already have two. In lots of ways it'd be great, but it'd be hard to not have another baby (although I'm with you that I'm not sure if I want the kid that grows out of the baby).
Anyway, it's all so complicated! Good luck and here's one more big hug for you!! :o)
Thanks Katelin, and here is a hug for you too because I am praying for you to get that baby! Don't give up!
Dear Julie, I felt so sad when I read your blog, is there some reason you find yourself with such a decision now? Perhaps you owe yourself and your husband some more time to think. You are a very sensitive, thoughtfu woman with many years to complete your life with your young children. Yearning for little ones is part of the Creation of Life that we are all involved in. There are some excellent sources to read and consider. And there are older women who could also give you wise words.The emotions you are experiencing are tender as you face this major decision, as mothers and grandmothers we understand. May Heavenly Father bless you dear niece. Aunt Barbara
You won't have to walk away from being a mom...ever. I always look forward to the next stage and I know we are different that way. I just know it will be so much fun watching our kids grow...playing baseball, talent shows, learning to drive, getting married, having kids of their own, etc. Through all of these events and their entire lives, we will always be their mommies!!
As I was sitting here typing this, Luke cruised in wearing nothing but a diaper, a newborn baby cap(courtesy of Dave), and some huge and red novelty toy lips that blow like a whistle. Now let's see some tiny baby pull that off! That just made me laugh so HARD, I wish you had seen it.
Aunt Barbara, Thanks for coming in and sharing your love and wisdom. I feel so much better today than I did a few days ago. I just needed a good cry and lots of love from the amazing people I am blessed to be surrounded by.
Valerie, If you could just keep having babies and letting me have them until they are 1, then we would have the perfect set up. I think if I lived closer to family this would all be easier. I could help raise their babies and they could help with mine. We were so blessed to live in the same city as our grandparents. I know I will always be a mommy. I guess I just woke up older than I thought I was. I feel like I just had my first baby and yet somehow I am this mid-30's mother of three. None of the phases in our lives last forever but there is value in each phase that lies ahead. I have learned that much. Can we just be neighbors now? Please? Me and Dave can work things out, ha, ha! I miss you guys and Seth would love to have another fishing buddy.
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