JAJ Installment 7: Margie and Julie

Margie asked: I love hearing stories about people's testimonies and I know you have shared your testimony MANY times (which I LOVE and it always brings me such joyous tears).... But I know you said you weren't super active before your mission and I wanted to hear what the "change of heart" moment was in your life? Sorry if you have said it before, or this is too personal. I just LOVE hearing your testimony and EVERYTHING else too.

Aunt Julie asked: Adding my vote to the Team Ryan comment. Please.....

Before I answer this question, let me just preface it with a few things.

I don't always go in to the whole reactivation story for a few reasons. It is not too personal. Come on, I tell you about puke and poop and everything else. Surely going to church is not off limits. It is not that I am embarrassed either. I'm not.

It is, first of all, because I am not interested in entering the "Prodigal son competition". You know, when you say you weren't always a churchgoer, and the next guy has to one up you with how bad his life was, and then the next guy has to one up him and list all of his past transgressions. I sometimes feel like people consider their testimony more valuable than someone elses if they are a convert, or if they fell away from the church and came back. My answer to that is this. Anyone who has a testimony is a convert, even if you initially borrowed it from mom and dad. If you have made it your own, then it is yours, and just as important as anyone elses. I say that because I have seen friends and family members get their feelings hurt by other insinuating that they are just a Mormon out of habit, and don't really get it because they didn't have to earn it. I saw a branch president in Rochester NY call my companion up on the stand to talk about Utah Mormons, and basically said in front of the whole congregation, that she didn't have a strong testimony because she had it handed to her. As if he knew how she gained her testimony.

Another thing I don't like to do is play the whole, who sinned the most game. Have I made mistakes? Sure! Have you? I am willing to bet you have. I don't like when people whip out the laundry list of all the bad things they've done, and how Jesus must love them best because they hurt him the most and were still forgiven. The fact is that it is not a contest. We are all equally dependent on Jesus Christ. We are all the prodigal son.

Now that we have cleared all that up, here is my story.

I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was born to a mother who joined at 15 years old (without her parents), and a father who joined at 19, when he was dating my mom. They divorced when I was 5.

My dad married my step mom, Linda, who comes from pioneer lineage. Funny enough, she actually shares the same pioneer blood that courses through Seth's veins. Yep, my step mom and my husband are related, through their great great grandfather Joel Hills Johnson, who wrote a popular LDS hymn. Can you name it? Never mind, back to the story. My dad and step mom have always gone to church every week. I lived with them for a couple of years and the 8 of us all rolled up to church in the massive station wagon every week, except for on Stake Conference weeks. They would go to conference and leave us home. We would sneak over to the abandoned "haunted" house next door and sometimes OOPS, fall in the pool. Shhh! Don't tell.

After my mom became more financially secure and remarried, we moved back to our original home and were raised by my mom and my step dad. My step dad is the son of an amazing woman, Grandma Teddie, who joined the church on her own and escaped a difficult childhood to go on and raise her children in the church. Her husband is not a member but he was supportive of her as she taught her children the gospel. Since all of our roots in the gospel were still relatively shallow, we learned our religion together. We went to church most of the time, but we often left after they passed the sacrament and went to the beach or out to dinner. We did not read scriptures or pray at home, but we were Mormon. We knew the standards of the church and the rest of it came slowly.

Now you may think I am bashing my parents, but I am not. I want you to know (and them for that matter) that I think they are amazing people. Could we have done better? Sure. Did we really "get it"? No. But they kept trying. When I first went back to church I was frustrated that they hadn't taught me more. After serving a mission, I saw how hard it is for people to stay active in the church after joining. I feel so blessed that my teenage parents stayed and fought for what they felt, until it became what they knew. I couldn't have done it. If I am not all in, I go inactive. I have done it more than once. I admire my parents for keeping a foot in the door and continuing to improve and grow in the church.

I think I first started losing interest in church and religion in high school, but I still went, mostly. When I went to college, it was never a conscious decision to go or not go. I just didn't go. It was hard even for the rock solid Mormon kids to get out of bed and spend Sunday at church. A lot of kids didn't go. I think if I'd gone to school outside of Utah I would not have even thought about it at all, but in Utah you have to pick a team.

On the Mormon team there were the kids that went to institute, and carried around plungers full of Almond Joy bars with notes that read "I'd be overflowing with joy if you'd go out with me". They invited people on dates that way. The girls belonged to the LDS sorority and they made rice krispy treats shaped like teddy bears for the boys they were hoping to get a proposal from. Guys would go around knocking on doors pretending to be home teachers to get a laugh, and hoping for a date. Then they would mention marriage on that date, if their dorky approach worked. This was a world I had never known and it just didn't do anything for me.

[So as not to offend anyone, I will say that I am obviously over generalizing. There are more than two kinds of people in Utah, and more than one kind of Mormon, but there is a Mormon/non-Mormon polarization there that I have never seen anywhere else]

I chose the other team. I had some really idiotic friends but I also had some awesome friends, and we just didn't bother about religion for the most part. I sometimes went through bursts of religious interest.

I tried once to join the Christian Alliance club on campus. They were campaigning that they did not discriminate, you just had to believe in Christ. When I filled out my application and acknowledged that I was baptized Mormon they told me I had plenty of my own clubs I could go join. I was not welcome there.

Then my brother Jeff went on a mission and I went in to an LDS bookstore to buy him a Japanese CTR ring. While I was there I fell in love with a picture of the San Diego temple. I bought it and hung it in my room for a few months, until it just felt too phony.

I wrote to my step brother, Jimmie, on his mission every week, and he always wrote back. He was serving in Utah so mail travelled quickly and it was so nice to hear his uplifting stories every week. He answered questions if I asked. I usually didn't ask.

I had a really amazing experience with prayer that assured me there was a God. Cool story, but I can tell this post will be too long already so I will exclude it.

I met with the Jehovah's Witnesses for a few months, mostly out of respect for what they were doing. Remember I had brothers on missions.

I asked my parents for scriptures one year for Christmas and then never read them.

I occasionally went to Lutheran church with my best friend, Michelle. I still to this day love the Lutheran church because Michelle and her mom were such beautiful people.

And then I gave up, and just did my own thing. They were not my best years and I was not happy. I had a lot of sadness and anger from earlier in life to resolve and I let myself be miserable, and stupid.

Two years later I moved to Salt Lake. I was still mildly stupid for a couple years, but I decided to let myself learn to be happy. No more blaming other people or circumstances for my problems. Any hurt from the past could stay there. People can only hurt you as much as you let them, and I was taking control of my own life. Michelle started calling me Pollyanna because I was always trying to point out the positive things in my life. I still had my awful moments but I knew that if I focused, I could heal.

I was working, and not calling in sick. I was going to school, and not dropping classes. I was on an upswing. I started eliminating negative influences from my life. And I became obsessed with basketball. Yes, this is relevant. Keep reading. It started as a crush on Hakeem Olajuwon because he would beat up on the Utah Jazz and I hate the Jazz. It became an obsession with the Houston Rockets and I was sure I would one day marry the whole starting five. Then in my basketball fantasy world, I met Dennis Rodman. I have told you before how I feel about Dennis Rodman. I was in love right away. I must admit that I do have that draw to bad boys. I can see that sad person underneath and I am just sure if someone loved him enough he would be okay. Luckily in real life I learned to date the good guy. Phew!

The point Julie? Oh yeah, that's right...I'm telling a story.

Dennis Rodman released a book called Bad as I Wanna Be. I waited until pay day and went straight to Media Play to get the book. I was so excited. Since I was shopping in Utah there was a massive display of Gordon B Hinckley's biography that impeded my path to the checkout line. I don't know why I stopped, but I did. It was a big hard cover book with color picture inserts. I flipped through for a minute. I put it down. I knew nothing about President Hinckley. Hand in hand with Dennis, I continued my journey to the checkout line. As I stood in line I started wanting that other book. This made no sense. I didn't even know what would be inside it. It would probably be more dry than an encyclopedia, but I wanted it. I started shifting my weight back and forth and wishing the line would just move so that book would stop looking at me. Finally, when I could take it no more, I walked back to the display and picked up the book. I would just buy both books. Then I stood there looking at Go Forward With Faith in one hand, Bad as I Wanna Be in the other. I could not walk up and buy these two books together, no way. Dennis sat there looking at me, wearing only a strategically placed basketball and sitting on a motorcycle. That was the book I came for. That was the book I was getting. But I couldn't and I didn't. I somehow walked out of that store with President Hinckley's book.

I chose Go Forward With Faith and rejected Bad as I Wanna Be. That is symbolic, to me.

I went home and read it, after some teasing from Michelle for coming home without the book I went out for. I read and read and read. When I closed the book I knew that this man knew. I didn't know what to do with that knowledge, but it was there.

That was the beginning. I still avoided all things church for another year and eventually followed my brother Jeff's advice, the best advice I'd ever been given. Read the Book of Mormon. There it was, the truth. Only this time it didn't belong to Gordon B. Hinckley. This time it was mine.

Of course that story continues and I will get to more of it in an upcoming question.

But now it is time for Margie and Julie to answer.

I have one question for both of you.

Julie asked: Since I previously said that I believe that EVERYONE with a testimony is a convert, I want to hear your conversion stories. I have long had the idea that there should be a column in the Ensign called Conversion Corner, where people could send there "how I know" stories, no matter when or how they gained them. I am a junky for a good conversion story.

If anyone other than Margie and Julie want to answer this one too, I would love to hear your answer. If you are not Mormon, you can still play. I love to hear how faith works in everyone's lives and how they know God. That's the good stuff!

And here is one for Margie.

Julie asked: Oh Margie, my dear friend. Do you have any idea how much I miss you and how much I have wanted to squeeze the heck out of you and Ryan this week? But since you are now cancer free (WOO HOO) I am going to keep this question cancer free too. I want to know what it was like growing up at an all girls Catholic school. How did that affect you spiritually, academically and socially? Also, I imagine it was weird to go from Catholic school to Mormon college. I think you told me before that you did not want to go to BYU Idaho. What was your impression when you arrived there, and then when you left?


And another one just for Julie.

Julie asked: Since I know you best from blogging, there is so much I would love to know. I feel like blogging has introduced me to people I might have otherwise missed. I love it! So, my question for you is why do you blog? And you can add any other biographical questions that you want, because I am curious. Are you from Lehi? How and when did you meet Brent? How many kids in your original family? Just anything you want to tell me. Maybe we should just get together for lunch next time I am in Utah.

Up Next: This story and many others will be continued when I answer Heidi's questions.

Also, I have been typing this with all 3 kids playing at my feet in the computer room. They are making a big mess and they are very loud. I know I shouldn't be blogging in these circumstances, but Seth has been at the Stake Center all day and my Saturday was starting to feel very much like a week day so I thought I'd come in and chat with all of you. The point is...

I just heard Alyssa telling Alex about how Xavier pushed her at school this week and hurt her feelings. I was only half listening to them because I was concentrating and trying not to accidentally type their conversation in to my post. But then I tuned in on this...

Alex: What Xavier looks like?

Alyssa: He has black hair and glasses.

Alex: Oh, when I go to your school I'm gonna kick his butt.

And with that, this post has officially overstayed it's welcome.