Today I am going to detour from our regular weigh-in format and literally weigh-in.
I will warn you up front that I will be posting numbers. I will be discussing eating habits. I will be telling you about how weight is not an issue for me. I fully understand that some of you find all of those things highly annoying. It is not my intent to annoy, just to be honest. You have been warned. You may now avert your eyes from the scale if you so choose.
I know I have posted more than once about my eating issues and my yet unrealized dream of taking better care of my body. This is nothing new, but since it is always on my mind we shall visit it yet again.
Recently my food issues led me to take a quiz on food addiction. Here are the results...
Do I lack self control when I eat? Oh mercy, yes! Portion control, you say? Sure I'll have a bigger portion.
Does my mind tell me to stop eating but my body disagrees? All the time.
Am I ashamed about my eating habits?Ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, yes,yes,yes!
Do I hide food and eat it behind closed doors? I don't hide food but I have a few private pig outs each day.
Do I feel guilty after I eat? You have NO idea...so then I eat some more.
Do I eat when I’m simply upset about something but not hungry? Everyday at 4:00 when the kids are the whiniest, I am trying to cook, and wanting Seth to get home...the stress level rises and the eating ensues.
Do I eat even though I know it will only lead to negative consequences later? Yes!
Do I eat differently in public than I do in private? Sometimes. If I am in someone else's home or if someone else takes me out, I watch myself but do I care if you see me eat? No, I am too busy thinking about food to worry about what you think.
When I eat, do I feel pleasure and comfort that I can’t really seem to achieve through other means? No, I have so many blessings that I feel joy in lots of things, but the taste of food and the act of eating both bring me great pleasure.
Is my weight adversely affecting my quality of life?No.
I would say that I answered yes to a "handful" of those, which means they recommend I see a doctor.
Although I think I may be able to examine my own head on this one.
First of all, why do I eat? I come from a family of eaters. We just love food. I love to cook, bake and eat. It keeps me alive and makes me happy all at the same time. Win-Win! Eating is a good thing, isn't it? My problem is, that I have never had any success doing anything in moderation. If something tastes good I physically struggle to stop eating it. My mind says, you already had 3 pieces of cheesecake and no one else is still eating. The brain in my hand just reaches out and takes one more piece. My appetite is on auto pilot most of the time.
Another problem I have is my weight. Here is where I get annoying. I currently weigh 129 pounds. I can not seem to go above that weight. Sometimes my pants get tighter and my belly gets puffier but the scale never tops 129. Even after I give birth, 129 pops up on the scale the next day, except for with #3. It took 3 weeks to get back to 129 after Chloe but even then I was only 4 pounds away on day one. 129 is not my ideal. I weighed 118 at my wedding and 129 by my first anniversary. It is not my favorite weight, but it'll do, so I don't worry too much.
I just have a really weird body. I have a freakish metabolism. I even have hypothyroidism, which caused me to gain 20 plus pounds. When my thyroid was healthy I was even thinner than I am now. But...I don't deserve to be thin. I had a mission companion who was overweight and sometimes strangers were brazen enough to tell her she needed to lose weight. Guess what rude sir, I think she already knew that. I am certain that she did not eat any more than I did since I lived with her 24/7 for 4 months. People complimented me and criticized her. One lady we were teaching even grabbed her stomach one time. I was so upset. It was embarrassing and it was rude. Her body was different than mine, no less valuable. We were both created in God's image and as such loved equally by Him. Don't judge and assume that someone's weight tells you something about who they are. It doesn't.
I would be lying if I pretended that my size doesn't matter to me though. I don't want to struggle with my weight. I am weight obsessed actually. I have real fears of being overweight. I feel a lot of pressure to be thin. When I was pregnant I was terrified of the scale. Terrified! I hated for people to look at me or say my belly looked ready to pop, or that I was waddling when I walked. I wanted to hit any such offender. Even pregnant, my body resisted weight gain but even the 16/17/18 (Alyssa/Alex/Chloe) pounds I gained made me CRAZY. I told you you would hate me for this post, but I promise this is more painful for me than for you.
I don't obsess about other people's weight. I know we are all built differently and I truly don't care what your body looks like. I only judge my own body. I actually really admire people who don't care what they weigh. I wish I had never even met a scale. I wish no one had ever even told us what kind of body structure was "ideal". It is the knowing that pressures me to conform.
Okay, so none of this is new. You have all seen this song and dance from me before. I want a firmer butt and bathing suit worthy legs. Yep, you've heard it before.
What you haven't heard though, is that I want to set my vanity aside and just take care of my body. Not so that I can look my best (can't lie, it would be nice) but so that I can be my best.
I have heard the following line 6 zillion times, "you are lucky that you can get away with eating like that." Lucky? I am lucky that I can get away with abusing my body? Awesome! That is like saying you are lucky that you are a good drunk driver.
I have been sent here with a healthy body. Healthier than anyone ever expected it to be. I was born 2 months premature with a hole in my heart, that healed itself, no dangerous surgery required. I was a whopping 5 lbs 8 oz (I grubbed like mad in utero). I was big and it helped me to fight and get healthy. I have a thyroid disease and low iron and yet I somehow have all the energy and strength of a totally healthy person. I have been very blessed. The body I have been given is fabulous. It works beautifully. On the surface, no one notices that I abuse my body, but I notice. I want to be a wise steward over this body that has been gifted to me. I want to learn to use food in the way that God intended me to. I want to draw closer to the Spirit by learning to master my desires. This body is not a garbage receptacle, it is a temple.
I can not "get away" with abusing a temple.
Now I am thinking that I have been focused on the wrong thing. I have been focused on exercise and skinny jeans, but the problem is food. I thought that if I could make myself exercise I wouldn't have to give up the food. But it is the food that is hurting me. It is the food that makes me weak. I may not "exercise" but I do move...A LOT. I mop, and vacuum, and give piggyback rides, and airplane rides and dance with the kids. It is not the moving that is the problem, it is the food. I finally cornered the real culprit.
I have to learn to control the food.
So what is the game plan? I don't know, this is just what my mind is brewing up today. Maybe you can all help me come up with a plan of attack. I think I will start though by just being mindful and grateful for a healthy body. We are turning off cruise control and paying attention to the road again. Any and all advice is welcome. If you help me beat this thing, maybe I will stop blogging about it and we will all be happier.
Thanks for letting me vent. You don't have to weigh-in quite so literally but tell me (if you dare) what is your weakness? Where could you improve your self-mastery?
Second Week of School
3 years ago
9 comments:
Oh Julie, you have no idea that you are not the only one who has these food issues. No matter what weight you are if you binge you feel guilty for overeating. No matter how skinny you are, I will say it (you can still be fat skinny). So eating healthier is a major goal to work for. I think you would feel better emotionally and physically.
So since I am tooting my horn, do I follow my own advice. Big no. I do workout a ton because it makes me feel somewhat better after eating half a gallon of ice cream. But emotionally I am still a wreck. I cringe to think about getting obese and I have actually had nightmares about it.
I do curse you for those pregnancy numbers. Are you kidding me? I gained those numbers in the second trimester alone. But we all have our vices and yes mine is food as well. Hats off to you for being so blunt. I like that. I am tired of women talking about how much weight they have lost and expect us all to celebrate. I find nothing exciting about you losing 15 pounds. It just makes me want to go eat a pan of brownies. So I say if you lose weight keep it to yourself unless someone asked you if you have lost. Don't go around on a loud speaker.
Whew I feel better. Oh the question about self mastery. Well I could do better about giving in to those late night munchies. I will have to work harder on that I guess.
Seriously you came home with # 1 and 2 and weighed the same. 45 pounds is too much to loose at giving birth. I think we all need to take a look at what we eat and eat better. America is fat because we enjoy it too much.
oops it's makinzee not mike!
I agree with you on wishing no one ever told anyone what an ideal is. I have dealt with that as long as I can remember because when I am in great shape my weight doesn't match up.
I think I've told you before but I'm not sure... just like you can't get over 129, I can't get under 148. Also, once my body changed in my senior year of high school I forever HAD to work out every day in order to eat normal and not gain weight. If I slacked off of working out at all it didn't matter what or how I ate- I would gain. I'm glad that I did it because I felt great then but it is frustrating.
Back when I was super fit I would go to the doctor's office with those scales where they start it at one weight and move it over and they would always put it somewhere between 120and 130 and then keep moving it over. It made me feel really great let me tell you.
Even last year when I was finally starting to really lose the weight I gained with Abi my doctor here didn't believe me that 150 could be my 'ideal' because of my height. That was so frustrating. He was confused. It was terrible and the main reason I stopped going to him.
I do envy you the baby weight gain because I gained 60 pounds with Abi even though I was following What to Eat when You're Expecting religiously and working out until my doctor told me to stop.
This time I have done so much worse with eating and working out and it looks like I'm still on track to gain right around 60 by the time this is through. It is so hard to get rid of that but I hope this time I will be better prepared knowing that it doesn't all come off of me immediately without a lot of extra effort... we'll see I guess.
Anyway this is a long response but I think we all deal with this in different ways. You can never know for sure what someone is dealing with when it comes to weight. I know we have all known people who are really overweight because of their lifestyle and people that , in turn, are in really great shape because of their lifestyle but you can't always lump people into those two categories.
I think you are beautiful! I would never judge you or be mad at you that you can eat more than me or work out less and still look so skinny. I think we do all just have to do our best to be healthy and make good choices and be happy with what we have.
I definitely have food issues too, but since I DO gain weight when I eat too much, I have lots of control over my eating...Monday through Friday that is, ha ha!
My boss brought two dozen donuts to work today and all the ladies were talking about eating them. Two younger girls were boasting that they had two and felt no remorse and I was jealous of their guilt free indulgence!!
So, in the third week of our office "Biggest Loser" competition, I am seriously evaluating my own eating habits. Number One biggest help for me? (You don't want to hear this) Keep a Food Journal! And be disciplined about it - every morsel, every crumb. It's amazing the insight that comes when I review it. It also helps me become more aware of portions.
Now I have to admit, I do envy your metabolism. You want to keep that, so whatever you do, DON'T CRASH DIET! Eat healthy, with plenty of good food types and minimal desserts. You'll do great. But I repeat, DO NOT CRASH DIET! Keep your calorie levels up. Otherwise, your metabolism will take a nose dive you'll be fighting forever. I have, after many years of fighting this beast, come to the definite conclusion that true dieting (going without) causes obesity.
You have a gorgeous body. Don't be so hard on yourself. - auntie j
reading, reviewing, thinking.. did some tearing up as I read because your words are so true for SO many. IDEAL is a sucky word. I think I will think some more. LOVE YOU!!
Love you. I wish I had some good advice, but it is complicated, because you don't want to just start eating raw veggies and brown rice, right? Then all the happiness that can come from food goes out the window, too, so I don't know. I remember a friend that would literally throw away half her fries before she even started eating when we went to lunch, that way she wouldn't eat more than a small portion. That's an idea, but I'm sure you've thought of it, so I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sure you'll come up with a great plan--let us know how it goes...
I'm right there with you. Eating healthy isn't any fun, and I enjoy the junk way too much to give it up. I think most people have the same issues (whether they are skinny or not) with never being completely happy with their nutritional and exercise lifestyle. I keep telling you that you could get signed up with the RecPlex again, and we could be workout buddies. When I was working out regularly before Violet, I would get awfully lonely and wish I had someone to help motivate me.
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