Let me just preface this post by saying that I know my attitude sucks today and I know my problems are not "real trials". I just want to vent anyways!
I have lived away from my original "home" for 16 years now. I lived there for 17 years so I have probably officially lost my status as a California girl by now.
I have always loved being the one who moved away. I love my family and I miss them but I have loved living in different places. I have loved not being bound to one zip code. There has been beauty and value in all of the places I have lived. I have learned and grown so much through each new experience.
I believe that one of the most inspired decisions that we have ever made as a family was the one to move to Wisconsin. I have made friends unlike any friends that I have ever had in my life. I have learned how important my little family is to me and how blessed I am to have them. I have grown spiritually, perhaps even more than I did during my mission years. Wisconsin holds a BIG piece of my heart!
But....you knew there was a "but" coming, right? But...I am starting to feel far away and wah, wah poor me...LONELY! Seven families from church are moving away this summer. This happens every summer. However, this years move-outs will take the few remaining members of my original group of Wisconsin friends.
I suppose I could make new friends but that is getting harder all the time because everyone who moves here is a medical student or in the military so they are all here for 3-4 years. I know this attitude is crap...but it is hard to keep reaching out knowing that no one will stay. It takes me a good 3 years to warm up and be comfortable calling someone on the phone, so a 3-4 year turnover just doesn't work for me.
I am really mad at myself for the garbage attitude. I usually have a pretty good attitude, I think. I get sick of people complaining about how much they want to move back West and how much they hate it here. This is my home and I love it here, but here I am complaining with the best of them.
I am just finally, after 16 years away, feeling like maybe I ran too far from the people I love the most. We participate in our family events and crises by text message. Just this weekend my father in law was in the hospital. Over Christmas my sister in law was suffering from a life threatening illness. We have friends going through major trials. My sister, who is my best friend gave birth to her baby with family all around. And through all of these things and more...we sit with a cell phone glued to our hand awaiting news. I really miss my family!
I have never had a timeline in my head for how long I planned to be in Wisconsin. I can't live like that. When we moved here we said it was home...period! For the first time I have actually considered praying about whether or not we should still be here. I can't bring myself to do it though because I feel ungrateful. We have a home, a job, a healthy family and a ward that changes too much and could definitely use some people who stay put. I love being able to strengthen the church in the Midwest because, let's be honest, they don't need us in Utah.
I know all the reasons we should stay. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. There is however, a part of me that has just surfaced that is horribly afraid that if I never move back near my family that I will one day be very sorry for all that I missed.
Today as I sat in church I was thinking about how fragile life is and thinking about the things that matter most to me. I was thinking about the things that I want to do better and all the ways in which I want to be stronger. I have just had a heavy feeling in my heart lately that I can't shake. As I was sitting feeling weighed down, I was privileged to listen to a beautiful musical number. Four men in the ward sang Be Still my Soul. I don't know what it said to me specifically. I didn't get any answers or revelations but it did speak peace to my heart and sometimes that is all the answer I really need.
Wherever life takes me and whatever it takes me through to get there, there is a God and He is aware of me. I think He even cares that I am sad today.
Second Week of School
3 years ago
16 comments:
I think you are right!! Family is more important than any other relationship. Friends come and go but family is the one constant thing that doesnt change. Maybe it is time that you put more effort into being close to family! Nurturing the relationships that will be there through to the eternities!! I know that we arent technically sisters but Ive always considered us this way. It would be so nice to have another sister close by so our babies can grow up together. Plus Im sure your Dad would love to see you guys all the time!!!
Well you know how I feel about the subject. I was just thinking today that my absolute favorite place to be is sitting at mom's kitchen table all playing board games for hours. We always have SO much fun together! I also wish our kids could always see each other cause Luke loves them more than anyone even with the huge distance. And I know Mom would give anything to see them all the time like she does Luke. Obviously, you moving back would be a dream come true, but no distance will ever lessen the closeness of our family. Sorry you feel like crap! I'm trying to think of a good line to cheer you up, but I got nothing so I will just call you tomorrow.
Oh Julie.. I could have written this. I haven't been hiding my homesickness very well the past few months though.
We too came here with the attitude that we could be here for the rest of our lives and that is the main reason we bought a house - to put down roots. Now I just miss family so much and can't stand the thought of never being there for all the little recitals and birthday parties and Sunday dinners that we are constantly missing.
So, you're not alone. Thanks for sharing this so I know I'm not as well.
Im going to be on the other side of things here...Oh please dont you move away too! Im putting the offer out there to be your friends, cuz I too am in need of that! And Ryan isnt in school or military...we work for the same company! So we arent going anywhere unless Discover goes, or has a really great promotion out west...and we both know how likely that is! I know how you feel about it taking 3 years to warm up. We have been here for 2, so obviously we havent made any great friendships yet. Just so you know we are here, I am lonely too, and we dont plan on leaving anytime soon! All thats left for us in Utah is a heap of family drama! So lets be friends! (= (You know, only if you want.)
I think I'm crying because I have way TOO much water weight on me. (that's what all the weight gain is... water, it's totally water, I swear)
I also loved the musical number yesterday. It went right to my soul for so many reasons.
I can't tell you whether you should move or stay or pray or not. You will come to those answers when you're ready. It's okay to spend some time thinking about thinking and them some time considering thinking about thinking. When you are ready you'll dive right in.
I know! I know! It is really hard when the closest relatives is a 10 hour drive. I hate it. I have never thought that Tennessee would be "home" for very long, but it sometimes seems like it just might be. It is so very hard being away when a crisis happens. Not to mention the fact that it gets pretty expensive to visit like I want to. Super frustration.
I have been away from home for 7 years and I always knew I would be the one that lived far away. There is always one of us in a family. But do you know what, that is what makes it all the more fun when we go back to visit. If we lived near my family we'd just be a part of everyday life with them and there would be nothing exciting about it. I guess that's my positive outlook on living away from my family!
Come home! Maybe it's time.
I hope that didnt come out wrong!! We love you!
Julie, you just broke my heart!! That was a very sad post. I feel sad because you are feeling so sad. I loved the musical number as well. That song has always held a special place in my heart. We have lived here for the past seven years, and have loved it! Even the not so good times for our family. I've loved. BECAUSE.. It has brought us so much closer as a family. These times help us grow closer to our Savior. I am scared to death to start this next chapter in our life, moving closer to family has its challenges. Every summer I go through your same emotions, as more families move out. I don't deal well with change. You and Seth have been such a wonderful asset to the ward. More than you'll ever know. Brian has just loved working with you, and is really going to miss that. Hang in there! We love you guys! You have so much to offer other friends here. I'm sure others are having you same thoughts of fear. It's hard starting over getting to know others. I'll be right there with you, doing the same thing, just in another town. It scares me to death. Brian reminded me of a talk from conference on HOPE. It's awesome! Read it... You'll feel better. Thinking of you!
I hear you all the way. It's such a tough thing, especially as my kids grow, I just wish they had more cousins around to idealize and grandparents to ooh and ahh over them (although we are lucky enough to have some in Milwaukee). And who couldn't use some family around to help out once in a while and to be there for them, too? Sigh. Wish I knew what to tell you. But how could you deal with the weather in California? That'd suck--JK!
So---should we only do a 6 month lease on the condo, instead of the 12 month we were going to?? We miss all you guys so much. Sometimes I am afraid the grandkids won't even recognize us, cause we only see them once or twice a year. This time, Chloe won't know who we are. And by the time she gets to know us, it will be time to leave. I still think we need to find 40 acres and build "The Compound". You'd be the cook. We have teachers. I'll do laundry. Whaddya think?
I just want to say that I have admired you for understanding that you do what is best for your family even if that means moving away and being away from some of the most important people in your life. And you are so right that the Church needs good people to strengthen wards everywhere. And it really does make you rely on your own little family and your ward family. I have absolutely loved our time here and I made so many friends that I just hate leaving!! I have really loved getting to know you and admire you so much! We will miss you and your fun kids. I know that I will make friends again but I don't expect to find anyone that can do playgroups like you can! Who knows what life will have in store for your family next but I know you will be fine because you keep yourself close to the Lord and you are so much fun! I love hearing your stories!
Julie,
You can take the girl out of California, but you can't take California out of the girl. So you're safe on that level. We miss having you near. If you do decide to come back, Tustin is a nice midpoint between Downey and Temecula. You and Seth are great servants in the Lord's Kingdom. You will be assets anywhere you live. Hope these feelings don't cause you too much grief. Take care.
Love,
Dad
Your dad is right, you will always be a California girl. Tustin is nice and close to Temecula. I wish I was that close so I could see Luke even more often than just twice a month. If I was in OC I would probably be there every Saturday and Val would get sick of me. Wherever you are you are always in our hearts, that's what makes a family so special.
Julie,
I know what you mean too! I really started feeling that way when we moved to Dallas. I think I have always been a family girl and this was my first big move so it was hard for me. Then I had Maya and I knew I wanted to get back. THen I got sick and being around the family that could be there (I wish you guys could have but I completely understand why you couldn't) made me realize that I had to get back. Though I now realize that I would never give up the time that we had in Dallas. It made both of us grow up so much. THough I didn't understand then I know now why this move for you was so good.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I would LOVE to have you closer too, I know that whatever you do you will do the best thing for your family. I know it. Even if that means living in half way around the world. I know you and you will only do what is best for your family. I know that the rest of us truly cherish the time that we do get to spend with you!
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