K.I.T

I am really bad at keeping in touch with people. REALLY! BAD!

When I graduated High School and went on to college I left behind my best friend, Shawna. She was amazing. Her whole family was amazing. I practically lived with them. We were really close. So close that living in different states couldn't possibly change anything. Or so I thought!

I soon found out that every time I went back to my home town for a visit we had less and less to talk about. It was so obvious that things would never be the same that we eventually just stopped keeping in touch. That kind of set the standard for all future friendships.

I learned that friendships are better left preserved in their time and place. All relationships seem to become awkward after enough time and distance. I ache sitting in silence with nothing to say to someone who I once told everything. Also, I am insecure so I am terrified of trying to hold on to people who may not have needed me very much in the first place.

Even my closest friend ever, Michelle is now just my Christmas card friend. In my heart she is much more than that. We lived together for 5 years and she helped me through the worst times of my entire life. She is one of the few friends I have had that I knew loved me. I knew I was important to her. She is so high up on the list of people who have influenced and shaped me, but as far as she knows she is just a chapter from long ago.

We have only talked once (other than the Christmas cards that I cherish every year)in my married life. We had tons to talk about. I can't imagine it could ever be awkward to talk to Michelle. But even though it isn't awkward it is not the same as it was in the "Michelle and Julie years" and so rather than evolving I have just put our friendship up on a shelf to be admired and preserved as the best friendship ever.

My sister Valerie is really good at keeping in touch, although she has never moved out of state so she can't fully appreciate my situation. She has had the same friends forever. Whenever I lament to her about my friends leaving she tells me to hang on to them if they are important to me. In my mind, I let them go because they are important to me. I don't want to watch my friendships turn uncomfortable and I don't want to watch the people who really know me turn into strangers before my eyes.

In East of Eden (oh no, here she goes quoting East of Eden again) a man is moving away from people who are so close to him that they are almost family and when they ask if he will keep in touch he responds, "I don't know. I'll have to think about it. They say a clean cut heals soonest. There's nothing sadder to me than associations held together by nothing but the glue of postage stamps. If you can't see or hear or touch a man, it's best to let him go."

Beautiful, right? And now you know why I overreact when my friends move away. I just feel people slipping from my grasp forever when they drive out of town. I want to be better and I want people to know that I love them but I also like to keep my memories wrapped up and pretty. I don't like things to change.

I have always been grateful that I have a big family because they are the only people that I have really held on to. My siblings are the best friends I have and the only ones that I have allowed to be permanent.

So, what is the point of this post? Seth is at a meeting and my mind is just running wild again. Don't worry, you are not the only one I torture with my incessant talking. I never shut up long enough to even let my own brain rest.

But while I am thinking about people I love and people I have let go of I would like to hope I could follow my sisters advice and hang on a little tighter. That may mean I have to pick up the phone once in awhile (ugh, butterflies at the very thought). That may mean I have to assume someone wants to hear from me and take the risk that they may just be over me. Ouch!

But wait...RISK was my word for this year, wasn't it?

Anyhow, now I am just plain rambling....and Seth is coming in the house so I will release you and go torture him now.

Keep in touch! Love, Julie