I have occasionally (daily) been accused by some (everyone I know) of being slightly (grossly) overprotective.
So one element of child rearing that snuck up on me way before I was ready, was neighborhood visits. I admit that I played all over my neighborhood everyday as a child, but when that first child knocked on my door to see if Alyssa could play, I got a little dizzy. She was only in Kindergarten. I had planned to keep her all to myself a little longer, maybe forever.
Since then my anxiety about letting her go play has only worsened. Seth and I have had several discussions (disagreements) about this topic. He says I am not letting her have friends. I say I am protecting her. I think we are both right.
I am okay with Alyssa playing at someone else's house if I know where, if I walk her over or watch her walk over, and if I know when she is coming back so that I can walk her home. I like to speak to the parents where she will be playing. She is NOT allowed to wander the neighborhood from one house to the next all day. She can't play in the front yard. If kids are at my house they are to be indoors or in the fenced backyard. She also can't play everyday because she has homework and family time. And with those rules, I am officially the neighborhood crazy lady.
In Kindergarten when kids started showing up on my porch, I went and introduced myself to the parents. Most of them looked at me like I was certifiable, just for introducing myself, which you know was so AWKWARD for me even without the icy stares. They told me they knew their kids were out playing and that it was fine. Then I felt like I should apologize for trying to tell them where their kids were. I usually walked away feeling like a freak.
Tell me if these situations are weird, or if I am just sensitive.
One day a neighborhood kid came by to play, but we were on the way to the library. She said she would just come with us. She was 5 at the time and I told her I couldn't take her without a car seat or permission from her mom. She said her mom wasn't home and that she didn't need a car seat (car seat required until age 8 in WI) and jumped in my van. Of course I made her get out because I can't be stealing children, and then she was mad at Alyssa for a year.
Another time, some neighbor kids (who I know and are welcome to play here) showed up with some random kids. One was 5 and one was 2. They rode up on tricycles. I asked who they were and for a phone number so I could call their mom and tell her where they were. Wouldn't you want to know where your 2 year old was? The kids didn't speak English. I never did find out who they were. They played for a little while and then I watched them ride off in the middle of the street. I was sick to my stomach for fear they would not get home safely.
Other kids show up all the time, right after school and I have to beg them to leave at dinner time. No one ever comes to look for them, or meet me. If I turn them away, I see them go to another neighbor's house. These are 5, 6 and 7 year old kids.
Call me crazy, but I won't let Alyssa play at people's houses who let their kids wander. She is not to change locations without notifying me either. Some of the neighbors are okay with me calling to verify when Alyssa will be coming over and when she needs to come home, and calling to tell them when their kids are here. I allow her to play in those homes. Other kids are welcome at my house, and I actually prefer them to be here, except when they wake up Chloe. Some of the kids are so used to my insanity that they know to call their parents upon arriving at my house to tell them they are at crazy lady's house and when they will be home. I like to know where my kids are. I just want other parents to have that same peace of mind.
I admit that I sometimes wish all the visits would stop. I am never fully comfortable when my kids are gone. I am never fully comfortable when kids whose parents I can't find are here. What if something happened and I had no idea who to call or where to go? I would feel horribly responsible, when in reality it is the parents who fail to be responsible that would be responsible. Did that make sense or did I use the word responsible too many times?
This issue causes me great agony because I want to do what is right for my kids, and I know that it is right to let them have friends. This year I have watched Alyssa struggle. Some of her school friends have moved on. They like more grown up music and movies than she does and they prefer to walk around and chat at recess (which is fine, I was like that too), but she still wants to play on the playground. Some of her friends have cell phones and can text message each other. I have declined the many requests for a cell phone. Her friends are outgrowing her and she is playing with younger kids at school now a lot of the time, or by herself even. She still wants to play and she is okay with who she is. She is okay liking Disney and Barbie still when others are telling her it is babyish, and I am proud of her for that, but I am afraid I will shelter her too much and people will give up on being friends with her. And when did Barbie become babyish at 7 anyway? Who is Barbie marketed to? Infants?
I am a nervous mother. I admit that. I try to blend when I am at friends houses and they are letting kids play out front or in unfenced backyards, but it secretly makes me extremely uneasy.
I admit that I avoid answering the door and have even made up places to go so that I could keep my kids with me after school. I am trying to do better. I even walked over to exchange numbers with a neighbor so that we can call when we want kids to come home or come over, but do you know that I have a stabbing feeling in my guts just typing about this? I am trying to let go a little bit, but they are still my babies and no matter who thinks I'm crazy, I have to protect them, and maybe even hoard them a little bit.
So what do you think because I really feel like I am drowning on this issue?
When are kids old enough to move freely around the neighborhood? What rules should apply to neighborhood visits? When do you let your kids walk to a neighbors alone? Or ride a bike around the block, because right now my kids are the oldest kids I have ever seen with training wheels and a mom walking or riding behind them everywhere they go. I want to do what is right for my children, but I know that at some point I have to allow them some freedom as well. But when? And will I ever stop feeling like I am going to vomit?
Weigh-In, and call me neurotic if you like. Believe me, I have heard it before.
21 comments:
This is one of the reasons I like you. First of all, you are not afraid to admit things like this, and second, I AM THE SAME WAY! When my oldest daughter went to Kindergarten, there were 9 kids her age from our ward. The moms all decided to carpool. Except me. I knew FULL WELL that NO ONE has a minivan with NINE seatbelts, and NO ONE in their right mind has NINE extra car seats just lying around the garage. So all the other moms took turns driving one week out of every 2 months, but I drove EVERYDAY. Even when they held playgroups, or birthday parties, I would follow their carload of unbuckled children to drop off my daughter, and then return to pick her up after. They all thought I was NUTS, but whatever. My daughter is now 9 and in 4th grade, but she still loves Barbie movies and plays Barbies with her 7 year old sister after school. I just let the 9 year old ride her bike around the block unattended just this month... and we live in HAPPY VALLEY! They just started walking home from school a month ago, and if they don't get home in 25 minutes, I go out looking for them. But I won't let them walk TO school, because I have to KNOW that they made it there. They can play in our front yard sometimes, only because there are ALWAYS moms outside on my street, but even so, they are only allowed to go from our mailbox to the firehydrant (our property line) unless they ask me. I have had other kids ask for rides home from school before, but I have had to say no because, like you, I can't go around stealing children! I could go on and on... but, I'll stop. I've just decided that I have to do what I feel is best for my kids, and if the other moms think I'm nuts, so be it! And maybe I am, just a little. It's so hard to know when to let go, but I don't think it hurts to show them you care. To be involved in their lives. To be present.
I think you are right. My sister still watches my niece walk to her best friends house (two houses down!) and they live in Lehi, UT. Sometimes she felt crazy doing this but then recently ( I think I told you about this) there has been a guy looking in windows in their neighborhood and that daughter actually saw him on their front porch watching her one night as she was on the computer. Freaky!
I was able to go all over when I was a kid too, with some exceptions based on where we lived at the time, but we live in a different world now.
I do not let Abi play outside by herself because we don't have a fenced in yard. If she is outside I am with her.Sometimes I feel like she doesn't get as much outside time as she should because of this.. but that's better than her getting stolen or run over.
I am completely freaked out about someday having to let her 'go' and not know where she is at every second (like when she is a teenager!) but hopefully I'll be better prepared for it by then.
Honestly, I know a LOT of people think I'm neurotic because I refuse to have my kids around sick kids or kids who may be sick or have been sick in the last couple days or siblings are sick.. you get my drift. Also, I've gotten comments on the fact that we hardly ever have our kids babysat. I have never had a teenager over.. I'm still struggling with that one. Even adults though are an issue for me. You are one of those people I actually trust to drop my kid off with and it is because you are like this.
I have had Abi at people's house before and then found out that they did exactly what I asked them not to do with her. That is frustrating.
To end this very long weigh in- your children are your responsibility. No one elses. Because of this you need to know where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with.
There are too many parents nowadays that love pawning their children off on others way too much. You may be a little over protective (or a lot like me) but I don't think our children will suffer from that. I think they will know they are loved and we can adjust as they get older.
Personally I am kind of freaked out by what you said about kids Alyssa's age having cell phones already and having outgrown Barbies and Disney. That is just wrong. kids need to be kids for longer than they are allowed to be.
Oh- just to clarify before anyone reads this and gets offended, I by no means meant that parents that aren't like us don't love their kids when I said our kids would know they are loved. I don't mean that at all. I just meant that I don't think it will have a negative effect on them.
You are totally neurotic. Take that as a compliment. It's not a bad thing to be neurotic! I really think there are a lot of right answers to this question and a lot of wrong answers and a lot of different answers. I tend to sway back and forth on what my answers are so I'm not the best person to weigh in. I do know that at some point they'll go off to college (likely without you) and you'll miss them and they'll be all grown up and in the end it won't matter who played at your house or where they went on their bikes. They'll have memories that are fun and they'll know you love them.
I think if you feel strongly and it's not hurting your kids (which I don't think it is) then you should go with your gut mom reactions. It's important we listen to these.
I used to make Aspen call me when she made it up to her friends house. The only reason I don't anymore is because I always talk to the mom before she goes and tell them that she will be there in __min. Alyssa is still younger than Aspen was when she learned to ride w/o training wheels. They still have to ask permission to leave my yard too. I actually welcome any friends coming over, as long as they play outside. I'll even provide treats. If they go over to a friends house, they can only play outside unless I've ok-ed it with the parents.
Being a parent is nerve racking. Feeling judged by others, judging ourselves, worrying all the time. It's a good thing that we each get to choose our own rules for our own family. It would kill me to live by any one's rules but my own.
ps-my trick for piano teachers for Cedar, I did this with Aspen too. For the first year or so, first few books any way I pay a teenager from the ward $5 a lesson to teach. (30 min) I am lucky I found a guy for Cedar because he thinks it is the coolest thing in the world. I and the teachers mom have a lot of control over the lessons, and really, the first few books are practically self explanatory. It works for us, which I am so grateful for!
I am Cheryl's sis-in-law. I don't think you are being neurotic. I have older kids (almost 12, 15 and 17). I would never let them go to a house unless I knew the parents. It is kind of funny now to watch them, because my almost 12year old will ask us if it's ok for him to play on the playground (we have a swingset in the back) or on the tramp (in ground, of course). I would have never done that when I was a kid! I would have just done whatever I wanted. The feeling of vomiting will go away for a little while until they reach teenhood, which will bring on more things to worry about. I have only had our kids watched by teenagers twice in their lifetime. You are their mom. Nobody knows your kids better than you. She still gets to play with friends, so I don't see any harm that you are doing to her.
I think you are good neurotic on this. They are your children. You are responsible for them. You have the right to be neurotic with them, within reason. I think your rules are completely within normal bounds. I mean you don't lock them inside and refuse to let them out. I know that Little Miss is going to be watched like a hawk too!
First off, I guess I should note that Seth doesn't want me to let the kids run willy nilly through the town. He just wants me to be more proactive in getting them out, taking them to stuff, putting them in social settings, and putting myself out there to try to get to know other moms in the neighborhood and at church. He is right, and I should, but it is scary!
Cristy, I would not want to get pulled over with a van full of kids out of seat belts, or worse yet, hurt someone's child. Yikes! I agree that we need to be present NOW while it is easy so that during the teen years when it is hard, we will already have established that relationship.
Cheryl, I knew you would be right there with me on this one. I do have a fence and even still I just started letting the older two go play out back alone but only if I am upstairs so I can check on them often. I am not as worried about germs. I guess I should be, but I can handle a cold if it comes. I save my stress for my many other paranoias. I agree that I prefer not to dump my kids on anyone else, unless I have to. They are mine after all and I knew they would need supervision 24/7 when I had them. Now of course I realize that lots of people feel strongly that I NEED to take breaks from them occasionally and I don't fault people when they go on dates with their spouse so I am NOT judging how anyone else lives. I know our church even instructs us to go out once a week so I am the rule breaker. I don't dare tell anyone to do opposite of what a prophet tells them to do. I just have issues.
LeShel, I know I can't follow them to college which is why I guess I have to start learning to help them be independent, but they still seem so little to me. Kids are being treated like they are big much younger these days.
Sarah, I remember now that Aspen was slow to lose the training wheels. I am hoping to get Alex and Alyssa both riding without this summer? Maybe? I love the idea of not letting them play indoors, but that is not an option here. I still have my heater on for crying out loud. Plus, there are lots of worries when they are outside too. I see kids running right down the middle of the street, and of course creeps could be driving around. I will have to get a move on the piano thing. Seth was going to teach her the first few books but it hasn't happened yet. Thanks for the tip!
Cheryl's sister in law (sorry I don't know your name) thanks for weighing in. I don't even want to think about the teen years. I am not sure I would have had kids if I had thought through the idea of them becoming teenagers. So scary. It is not that I am afraid of them making bad decisions, that comes with growing up, but I don't want them to get hurt, or be where they need help and I am at home totally oblivious. I like the preschool years when they are tethered to me. I'll take the diapers and the tantrums over the stress anyday.
Emily, sometimes I lock them in. Not in a Cinderella type way, just because it is too cold, or they have homework, or because we should spend time as a family sometimes too. They hardly ever ask to play anywhere else but they do like to have kids come here some days. I just wish I knew who all these kids were.
Can I tell you that you are severly over protective and agree with you at the same time. Our rules about playing with the neighbor kids are pretty much the same as yours, although I don't call to check up on them. We have random kids show up at our house all the time and I wonder how people can just let their kids wander the neighborhood without knowing the people who's houses they are going to. I do think that you need to let your kids have friends and try to relax a little. Kids really pick up on stuff like that. You may actually be hurting them more than protecting tham by worrying so much. And don't worry about Alyssa still liking barbies, Samm still likes to watch Dora with Macy.
Sally, too bad you live so far away, Alyssa and Samm could watch baby shows together. I am not even that funny about what they watch or listen to. I let them watch "people shows" as they call them, but they still prefer animation most of the time. Alyssa does like iCarly though. I know they need friends, other than me, and I really have been trying this Spring. Luckily in the winter no one leaves their house to wander so it is not an issue. My kids do know I am a worrier and I am trying not to rub off on them too much. I DON'T want them to be like me.
Hey, I do not let my kids play "around the neighborhood", but I do let them play out back by themselves (my gates are padlocked) or with friends or whatever. So yes I have to know where they are and stuff, but Tyler only goes somewhere that he has been invited and I will watch him go there, and sometimes if I am particularly paranoid I will call to make sure he is in the house since there are some bushes and other things in the way of his friend's house :) I mostly take Tyler to school. We live right next to it and I when on occasion that I drop him off by car (raining or just lazy :)) I will worry that he doesn't make it to class. But schools these days are very watchful of wandering kids and things like that. But I usually walk him to his class. Next year though maybe I will just drop him off by car. I always pick him up after school where the students and classes are assembled outside. Tyler's school is a neighborhood school and I love that about planned communities! It is so comforting to be able to look out the window and know if they are having a fire drill or playing in PE or just playing during recess. But I do think kids need to experience other people and different situations, so that they will learn what OUR RULES are and not to under-mind them. Now I don't know what to say about you not wanting to let teenagers watch your kids. All you have to do is tell them the rules and call and check on them if you want. We regularly asked Jenny to watch our kids in Kenosha. And when swapping with other adults you cannot control what they do or how they act. You just have to trust and know that just because parenting styles may be different, they aren't bad. You will know if your kids do not like it at so and so's house. So you just won't do it again! Give the kids a little more rope, and put down the magnifying glass! You have great standards and have taught your kids the same.
I am much the same way, but I don't worry about it, because it seems to me that trying as hard as we can to prevent a major thing like kid-napping or some kind of offense from happening should make me sleep better at night, not worse. Seriously, you are not crazy on this, I don't think. I have only had a handful of neighbors ever ask the kids to play and they usually are surprised when all three of us come out, but I don't care. Maybe this will happen more often when John is in school, but I'm not about to just let him go do who-knows-what at some strangers house.
But remember, you are "talking to" the wife of someone who worked with juvenile sex offenders, so we're a little crazy on this. Jared has absolutely terrifying stories of things that happened--and it was all kids, not even creepy adults, so you really NEVER KNOW. If you want, I'll have him call, and then you will know you are doing what everyone should be.
Don't lose sleep over trying to protect your children, and certainly don't worry about Alyssa's social life at her age. Her social life should still be her family I think.
Today's world is definitely not the same as when my guys were little. And my rules for them, who ran the street in a mob of neighbor friends all summer, were totally different than the rules for my daughters when they came along. Times had already changed, or had I just become more paranoid? I couldn't even let them walk the block and a half to Grandma's without me being with them (there was that house on the corner...)
I just feel bad that today's world requires such diligence. Maybe I was just blind, and it always was that way. After all, I was the one who was fondled by a friend's father when I was a child. Maybe times aren't so different after all. Maybe we're just better informed about the dangers lurking for our children. You go right ahead and protect them as much as you have the energy to.
I guess Im right in the middle of this one. Im lucky that Madi and Katelin have each other, and the friends they play with have sisters the same age as well. Wherever they go, they are usually together. That makes me feel better. I do need to know where they are, and they have to ask before going into their friends house, so Im not freaking out when I cant see them. Thye know how far they can go, and they have to have our house in view at all times if Im not with them. They are allowed to play outside when Im not out there and we dont have a fence, but as long as I can see them, its all good. Our house is set in a pretty good place that allows me to see all the way down to the neighbors yard 4 houses away, so even when they are out playing at their house, I can still see them. Hardly anyone has fences in around here, so its a pretty open view. Their friends parents are pretty responsible for the most part, so I dont have any trust issues. We all kinda keep an eye out for each other. You have heard me vent on the lack of structure and discipline before, but thats another story! Of course when the younger ones are out, they have to have someone out there with them...most of the time. I guess Im pretty linient about it all. I just feel comfortable where we're at, and I think thats the important thing. Just do what you feel is best. Each kid and neighborhood is different and you know whats best for your own kids, and what they can handle (and you can handle).
Melanie, I would love to live within walking distance to the school, how awesome. Our school does not allow us to drop off in Kindergarten. We have to get out and walk our child, and all the siblings, through the 30 below weather to their classroom. Starting in first grade we can drop off in the "kiss and drop" zone which I love. You get in a big loop of cars and when you reach the front of the parking lot a teacher or the principal walks right to your car and walks your child in. So cool! Alyssa does ride the bus most of the time. It picks up in my driveway and I admit we followed it to and from school the first few times we let her ride. They are escorted on and off the bus by their teacher. We have had some teenage babysitters in the ward. We mostly just don't get a babysitter because I don't want to pay one so I can go to a loud restaurant or a movie where we can't talk anyway. I would rather take our kids out with us and spend quality time alone while kids are sleeping. I also trust lots of other moms, even if they do parent differently than I do. The only thing I specifically tell them is to please not let Chloe out alone. I agree that I could loosen the rope a little bit.
Katelin, I have heard some of Jared's horror stories. Scary stuff going on out there. I agree that family should still be the main part of Alyssa's social life, although I think it should always be like that. I love being friends with my family.
Julie, We ran wild and free too but I will say that my mom and the other moms in the neighborhood all knew each other. You could usually find the whole lot of us just by opening the door and listening for the chaos. We were outside a lot too since we were in CA. Sorry your friend's dad was a creep. I think that stuff has always gone on and it is very tricky to know for sure who we can trust. We can't prevent everything, but we can at least reduce our risk, I hope.
Heather, That is great that Madi and Katelin play together. That would make me feel better. A few of our neighbors have invited Alex over with Alyssa but Alex is a homebody and prefers to stay with me, at least for now. I love neighborhoods without fences but with the big road behind us we have to have a fence, and it is nice that my kids are trapped in the back yard. They can't get out and it is at least a little harder for anyone to get to them too. I am afraid of them being near the street. Maybe one day I will trust that they know how to watch for cars but I have seen them run without looking too many times. Anyhow, I think we need to get Katelin and Alyssa together. They are both so shy but I would love for her to have a church friend. Their class has dwindled down to nothing and I would love for them to have each other.
Yep, nothing behind us but a nature preserve. Its pretty sweet. That would be cool to get Alyssa and Katelin together. And if you are comfortable with her coming over here, I do make sure to keep a closer eye out when other peoples kids are over. That might be backwards, but I feel like my kids know the rules and neighbors enough to give them a little more freedom. I realize my added responsiblity when someone else entrusts me to their kids. But Katelin can come over to your place too, if thats more comfortable for you. Or we can start out by all of us getting together for one of your park/ice cream trips downtown Keno. Just let me know. Thanks! (:
I'm with Katelin! I've heard some stories and I think it's wise to be as protective! I'm not even sure it would be wrong if your kids friends were always their family. I like that my kids think it's fun to hang out with us.
I think the first time I typed I may have messed up the voice I was trying to project.
I really think kids need parents to watch out for them. You should do what you feel is important for you kiddo's.
Yes, Julie, you are definitely one certified neurotic person, but that's what makes you YOU and my friend. I think if I lived in your neighborhood, I would probably be the same way. You can't see out the front of your house, so I would definitely not let my kids play out there without me. And, from what you've told me, I wouldn't trust my girls at those people's houses. So in a sense, I would be just as much as a freak as you if given the same situations. I truly feel lucky to have the set-up that we've got here with the cul-de-sac and great and watchful neighbors on either side of us. With that said, I won't let your kids come over any more to play outside because I hate to think of you having a nervous breakdown;)
Heather, I trust you...you seem to be doing a great job with 5 kids. Don't mistake my own craziness as a comment about how you let your kids play. I am sure Alyssa would love to play there, or here, or anywhere really.
LeShel, I didn't think you projected anything weird the first time...you just said you didn't know what was best and I agree with that. I also agree that I always want the family to be first, and friends second. I remember teenage friends who would not hang out with their family but I have always loved being with my brothers and sisters, even as a teenager when they were way younger than me. Families are forever, after all.
Jen, I LOVE your neighborhood and the little cul-de-sac that no one ever drives down (unless they want Mike to report them to the cops). I will not live on a major street again, even though hardly any traffic comes down the front of the house, it is too noisy out back. And while I LOVE all the trees, it does make it hard to see around the neighborhood. I trust you with my kids, and I have seen you make Chloe stay inside or out back. I freak out a little bit when the kids go out front but I must admit that I have rarely ever seen a car got through your cul-de-sac so it is more of a panic attack than a full blown heart attack. Believe me, I have my eyes on that neighborhood if my house is every worth what I paid for it and can be sold. Of course you'll be long gone by then, unless my pleading convinces you to stay in WI???
Julie, I think you are a great mom. You're attentive and loving. I am so with you on the kids need to be kids. That is probably one of my favorite things about Utah, is that I think kids are allowed that freedom here more.
I really can't say whether or not you are worrying too much, because all moms do to some extent. My mom still worries about me and I'm 35. However, your original question was whether or not this will harm your kids. We do know that excessive worry/anxiety in a parent can frequently be passed down to a child.
Fortunately Seth is fairly laid back, so I think it balances out between the two of you.
WOw it's cool how you bring up some good discussion topics Julie... kudos! You know me and Matt don't like to pay for babysitters, but in Kenosha, especially our last year there we wanted to go out with friends too, and when you swap with friends I always felt like we could stay out only as long as they stayed out when we had their kids! It's a hard balance. I like the swap, because it saves money, but it only works well probably once a month. Being here in San Antonio, we still don't know too many people but have found a couple of families to swap with, which has worked out nice because we will each get to go out twice a month for free! Well anyway, you are awesome and it is always a good thing to be reminded of how important it is to keeps good tabs on your kids. I would never let my kids roam the neighborhoods like I used to with my siblings, or by myslef when I was a kid.
Oh and talk about scariness, i was at JCPenney with my mom when I was maybe nine or ten and I was looking around the juniors dept without my mom and some older guy came up about a foot or two away from me and asked which way it was to the mall entrance. I said follow the tile floor that way and you'll find it. He asked if I would show him and I said you can do it and I quickly walked away. I don't think I made that big of a deal about it at the time. I should have, who knows if the guy got some other kid but man when we are in public I am always holding on to both my kids constantly!
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