Me and My Girls

Now let's talk about my little girls, before someone accuses me of having a favorite and thrusts me back into that nightmare of insecurity once again.

If there is nothing as pure as the love between a mother and her son, then surely there is nothing more powerful than the love between a mother and her daughter, or daughters in my case.

Girls are a whole different animal. I have often said that Alex makes me physically tired but that my girls make me emotionally tired. Girls are feisty, and emotional, and dramatic and hormonal. They are little women after all.

My girls know how to cut me right to the heart. Just yesterday I was really frustrated because the kids take every DVD out of it's case every day and throw them all over the basement. I usually pick them back up, put them back together, and reshelf them, with a reminder that they are supposed to get me when they want to watch a movie and that they are ruining the DVD's. Yesterday I snapped little bit. I raised my voice (maybe yelled, but only slightly) and told them that this was not okay. Two of our brand new movies are scratched and I had had it. When I was done, Alyssa sassed, "Great, now I know how to be a mom when I grow up...I'll just yell at my kids whenever they do something wrong." She KNOWS that I feel really bad when I yell (I really try not to yell) and that I will apologize and maybe even cry. She knew that would make me feel bad. Girls will play those kinds of cards against you.

And Chloe...oh mercy Chloe. She has me so fried by the end of the week that I can barely construct sentences. This week she spent the better part of her days throwing fierce tantrums and being put in her room. Then she would come out and promise to be better only to launch right in to another tantrum and yell at me, "I HATE my room, I HATE my room" while stomping her feet. She never backs down when she wants something....ever! And if she can't win, she will rewrite the rules to make it look like she won. She taunts me. Yesterday she was running around naked and would not come let me dress her. I told her to come here NOW unless she wanted spankings. I don't spank my kids so I was just playing with her. She knows that and so she turned her bare butt to me and while slapping one little cheek, shook it back and forth while saying "spanky,spanky spanky" to the tune of na,na,na,na,na,na. She has got my number for sure. She is truly too much for me these days. I am embarrassed everytime I pick her up from Nursery and learn which kid was her latest causality. (hint:look for the one with the massive scratch across the face) I am mortified when my visiting teacher comes over and Chloe covers my mouth with her hand,so that I can't talk, while looking right at my visiting teacher and saying "hurry up".

I could go on and on...girls are DRAMA. When Alex cries or has his feelings hurt, I fall apart. I will find myself apologizing for getting him in trouble for painting the carpet, just because I can't bear to see that hurt. When my girls cry I barely notice anymore. I think, oh boy, here we go AGAIN....Yes, girls are definitely drama.

But having a daughter is an intense experience. I always loved Alex, but I fell in love with him a little here and a little there until it totally encompassed me, but my daughters came here linked to my very soul. An extension of my being. I feel there emotions like they are my own. I understand the very depths of who they are.

And while they may not always remember that they love me, they really really need me. I sometimes think that a lot of the sassy comments, tantrums, and emotional outbursts are just a cry for attention. They are reminding me that I need to remind them that I love them. I have seen Alyssa cry more than once when I have told her how much I love her, or when I tell her stories about when she was a baby. They just need to know that they are important to me. A boy is happy just to love, but us girls NEED to know we are loved back. Don't we? I love that my girls need me. Being needed really is just as fulfilling as being loved. Both give me a deep sense of purpose.

I love that my girls want to be with me. Alex plays independently a lot, but the girls want to cook with me and follow me around while I clean, and just lounge around and chat with me. They like to look at old pictures and reminisce with me. They like to cuddle and they crave my attention. Alex hugs me 700 times a day but it is a fleeting hug as he runs through the room followed by an I love you as he is trailing off in the distance. My girls will lay in my arms for ages and hold on with desperation. They are my dearest friends.

I know that my girls will probably hate me during their teenage years and make comments that will pierce me to the core, but I know that one day when they have a daughter placed in their arms and feel that fusing of two souls, they will feel a power from on high and they will know exactly how much I love them.


I really can't tell you how I feel about my children. I can't even tell them, though I wish that I could. They are all my favorites. My firstborn, my son, and my baby.

Now let's add these girls to the soundtrack.

Alyssa has two songs. I Hope You Dance by Leanne Womack. This was popular when she was born and I adore this song. When I looked at my baby girl I would see this perfect little girl, untouched and untainted by the world. A gift straight from God. She still knew her infinite worth, I am sure of that. I would pray that she would remember who she was and have the confidence to chase her dreams. I relinquished that confidence that was inherently mine as a daughter of God and I have hid so often behind my insecurities and fears. This song reminds me of what I want for her, to pursue her dreams, to believe in herself and to never let fear keep her on the sidelines.

Also, Good Morning Beautiful by Steve Holy. Alyssa slept in our bed for the first 6 months and was usually laying right on top of me. I would wake up next to her and Seth, starting each day with my whole world right there in my reach. I would sing this to her all the time. I know it is a love song, but this is how I always felt on those mornings. After I became a mom I woke up with purpose, a knowledge that I was sent here for a reason.

And for Chloe...Could Not Ask For More by Edwin Mccain. You may remember back in September when I stumbled across this song while on a day out with Chloe, when the other two had just gone back to school. It is perfect. It even sounds like a song for the baby of the family. I look at Chloe and know that I have it all, and that this is truly where I belong. She is the grand finale, the piece that makes us entirely who we were meant to be.

* I don't have any recent pictures of me and the girls but maybe I will have Seth take some, not right now though because I have been cleaning toilets today and it is reflected in my apperance.

P.S. Seth just came home from a golf tournament where he won a new driver and a hybrid club for hitting closest to the pin (almost got a hole in one). Nicely done!