One Day You'll Have One Just Like You....

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Valerie. Any resemblance to the Valerie we know here, is completely intentional.

Valerie was the most mischievous little girl. She made her mom CRAZY, and the effects have yet wear off. (Ha,Ha...love you mom).

Valerie's crib had to be turned upside down, like a cage. For real. If not, she would climb out and get into all kinds of dangerous situations, and then beat up her lovely big sister who was sleeping peacefully. Well, almost peacefully, but for the one eye left open in fear of a baby sister who might be on the loose.

Valerie was so serious about torturing her big sis that she even snuck out of her playpen in Yosemite and burrowed down in the bottom of her sleeping bag, just waiting for the poor unsuspecting sister to climb in for the night. When Valerie was spotted thrashing around in the sleeping bag, she set the whole campsite into hysterics. Everyone assumed it was a raccoon. In the end, the only animal discovered in the campsite that night was one naughty toddler.

Valerie never left her hair in pretties. She yanked out the pretties, took off her clothes and sat in the dirt. She even buried her cookie in the dirt at Disneyland before she would eat it, while throwing a tantrum of course.

One summer in Balboa she drank a bottle of Scope and got wasted. She was running around the beach house in nothing but a Yosemite Sam towel, giggling, and flushing toothbrushes down the toilet. When it became obvious that she was acting even crazier than usual, her older brother and sister snuck their timid selves out of bed and reported, "something is wrong with Valerie" to their mom and dad. Nothing spices up a beach house vacation like a drunk baby, a quick trip to the hospital, and a pumped stomach.

She ate a bottle of Flinstone's vitamins. Back to the hospital for more stomach pumping.

This was all before the child started preschool.

Now you should know that Valerie's sister was a lovely young child. Timid, shy, and thoroughly boring, but never a moments trouble to anyone. She sat for hours squishing her mother's feet, and cleaning the kitchen floors (she may have had OCD about clean floors, who can say for sure?). She was obedient and kind, at least until she hit adolescence. And their mother always said what all mother's say...one day you will have one just like you.

Now what happened next is a mystery. Somehow the wires got crossed and the lovely, kind, obedient young child somehow got Valerie's payback baby. She named her Chloe. Perfect name for a naughty little elf.

I believe Chloe's impish tendencies have been chronicled most thoroughly in the archives of this here blog, so we will skip the review at this time.

Every time Chloe pulls a new stunt, I report to Valerie. We laugh, and wonder how I got her child. The similarities have been noted many times, but today Chloe sealed the deal by pulling a play right out of Valerie's Guide to Being a Toddler handbook.

As I was cooking dinner, Chloe was rummaging around in the cupboards and fridge. That is what she does when I am making dinner. I usually permit it, because it allows me to get food on the table. It also keeps her in the kitchen with me, where I can keep an eye on her. I saw the blueberries she took out of the freezer. Whatever, eat the blueberries.

I saw her move a chair and climb up into the medicine chest. I took her down and went back to what I was doing. I saw her eating, just chomping away. Whatever, snack before dinner. What harm is there in a few blueberries?

I heard Alyssa saying, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...look what Chloe is doing".

I dismissed her and told her it was fine. She resumed her "mommy, mommy, mommy" and I was now getting annoyed because I had just said it was fine. And then I heard something about vitamins.

I rushed over to find Chloe swallowing down a mouthful of gummy vitamins. I grabbed the bottle. Two left. When we took vitamins in the morning, the 60 vitamin bottle was at least half full, so about 30 vitamins left. Great! I looked for any spilled vitamins. Nope. I asked Chloe how many she ate. She said "I ate one, and two, and LOTS mommy", while holding up all ten fingers.

The poison control number was not on the bottle so I called the vitamin company. Closed.

I sent a message to my mother-in-law, the nurse. She quickly responded, "call poison control NOW".

While waiting for poison control, Alyssa ran downstairs and returned promptly to tell me that if Chloe had more than 20 vitamins she might require surgery. Apparently she had run to the computer and googled "too many vitamins". Surgery didn't sound so good, but I couldn't help but laugh at Alyssa. My mini adult.

I began texting my mom and Valerie to keep myself distracted, while I waited for Poison Control to come on the line and tell me what to do next.

Poison control had me read them the ingredients in the vitamins. No iron. Apparently, if there is no iron in the vitamins they are non-toxic. So luckily, no ER visit. I was advised that she may puke. So far, no puking. Just a couple messy diapers.

When the ordeal was over and everyone was notified that Chloe was fine, I got this message from Valerie.

"Dude...she is the new queen of mischief. I hand over the crown."

And now I am wondering why I got the heir to the naughty toddler throne? Why am I getting other people's naughty kid karma? And if I got her kid, did she get mine? Is little Audrey going to be quiet and shy and easy?

Oh well, they should both turn out just fine in the end. After all, Valerie did outgrow the naughty, and I outgrew the boring. For the most part, anyway.