Mother's Guilt

For seven plus years I have suffered from a serious condition. I do not believe that it can be cured, possibly not even treated. I live with it, but it causes me more stress and discomfort than anyone will ever see.

I have an incurable case of Mother's Guilt.

I can not leave my kids overnight. I want to go on a vacation with Seth, but I get such severe anxiety about leaving my kids, so I don't dare. I trust a handful of people to watch them for me but I feel like they are my responsibility. By delivering them I signed a virtual contract, promising to love honor and cherish them EVERY DAY. I can't pawn them off on someone else. They are mine. And I would miss them.

It goes beyond just overnights. I don't even like to leave them to go out with friends. I have gone to dinner a few times with friends, once to a play, and to a couple girls nights but it is really hard for me. I worry about how my kids are without me, and what if something happened and I wasn't there. Not that I can fix all their problems simply by being present, but I should at least be there, just to be there.

Seth goes out with friends, golfing, fishing, etc., and he often pleads with me to please go out with friends too. He has even gone so far as to organize play dates for me and to take the kids somewhere else (Chuck E Cheese or somewhere) so that I would be forced to go. I like my friends and I even like having conversations with them that are not interrupted by dirty diapers, tantrums, hitting, scratching, biting or crying. Yet in the back of my mind I always feel some guilt, and some worry for my kids.

I even get nervous leaving them home to go to church meetings, especially if I have to drive to Milwaukee.

They even get dragged to the doctor's office with me most of the time. Imagine the look on the docs face when a woman drags a bunch of babies to her anuual check up. Yes, I am really that bad.

It is a miracle that I am able to drop them off at school, although if you could see how hard and how long I cried when Alyssa started Kindergarten you would see that it isn't as easy as I make it look.

Another symptom of Mother's Guilt is that I am very hard on myself. I go to bed most nights feeling like I totally blew it with my kids that day. I see how quickly they are growing and I get sick to my stomach if I don't take advantage of the moments. If we don't do anything fun together. If we don't sit and have a good chat. If I let them watch too much TV. If we don't go play outside. If this and that and this and that....I feel like a failure.

And the thing that causes the most guilt for me is sleeping on the job. If I sleep while my kids are under my watch, I feel like I am not even worthy to be called their mother. Imagine all the bad things that could happen while I am asleep. On the rare occasion when my kids make me watch a movie or TV show with them (remember I don't like TV, or sitting still) I pile them all over me...one kid in front of me, one behind and one sits right on top of me and we lay down and I often fall asleep. That doesn't make me feel too bad. If one of them stirs from their station I wake up before they can escape. But to actually lay down and purposely go to sleep...that makes me feel this big. Truthfully I don't even feel that big, but that is the smallest font I've got.

Does this mean I have never taken a nap? No. I have. Not with babies awake, but if Alyssa and Alex are occupied and Chloe is asleep, I lay down. Not often, but once in awhile. And then I hate myself for it. And even though I am open about everything on this blog, and generally shameless, I will tell you that it is hard for me to post that and admit my inadequacy. It plagues me that badly.

What's funny is that if someone else tells me they took a nap, or went on a date, or out of town, sans kiddos, I cheer for them. I have friends who have admitted to feeling the same way that I feel, and others who tell me they have never felt guilty about taking time for themselves. These are some really good moms and I actually envy them. I wish I could be so confident.

But back to the point...

The point is that lately I have been a little bit more tired than usual. I have been working on Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights from 9PM-midnight which is fine because I would never go to bed before midnight anyway. But after I work I need my unwind time, which used to take place between 9-12. So I stay up until 3 or 4 cleaning the kitchen and lounging or reading or whatever. It is my mindless time and I need it. Typically I only like to sleep 4-5 hours anyhow, but 2-3 hours catches up with me after a few days and on Thursdays I am always tired. I have fallen asleep a few times. Yesterday, Chloe was napping, Alex was playing and Alyssa was doing homework. It was so quiet and I didn't feel like fixing dinner yet. The house was mostly clean and I wandered in to my room and laid down.

That was at 5:00. I thought Seth would call at 5:30 to tell me he was on his way home and I could get up and start dinner. I fell sound asleep, as in the phone rang twice when Seth tried to reach me, and I didn't even hear it. At 6:00 I woke up to little Alex standing by my bed saying "Mommy I cleaned the basement, you wanna see?" I looked and saw Seth behind him and asked how long he'd been home and if he'd asked Alex to clean up. He said no, he'd just walked in the door. So Alex cleaned the whole basement by himself. He took me by the hand and led me down to see. He told me he even made the couch look fancy. He tried to put decorative pillows on our scummy play room couch. How cute. And no one asked him to. Alyssa came along with her completed homework to show me. That is a big deal too because this kid fights doing her homework. She will sit at the table for 3 hours sometimes and do NOTHING. It is frustrating. Her teacher says she can't complain because Alyssa is academically "top notch" and can get 100% on everything with or without trying, but she needs to learn do do what is expected of her. We have battled all year, but when I took a nap, she did her work.

I was amazed and SO EMBARRASSED! What if Seth thought that I am always asleep and never doing anything that I need to do. I was afraid he might tease me, but he acted like it was no big deal, like he didn't even notice. He asked if I had plans for dinner. I did, but my plans were to have it on the table right that minute. Then he told the kids good job with the homework and cleaning, and said for everyone to get in the car and we'd all go out to dinner. I felt like crying.

I thought for sure he must think I was a failure, and a joke. But he never said anything. He never does. He knows how hard I am on myself and no matter how badly I feel like I've screwed up he sees me differently than I see myself. When we got home he even had the kids thank me for working so that we could go out to dinner more. I am so grateful that he thinks I am a good mother. I would surely drown in my insecurities if it weren't for Seth.

*As usual, I am not looking for praise. Just making observations on my own insanity as well as my good fortune. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing little family. Maybe that is why I feel so unworthy of them sometimes. I just want to be what they deserve.