JAJ Installment 12: Cheryl

Cheryl asked: One thing I'm really curious about is what it was like growing up with divorced parents, step parents, and step brothers and sisters. I love how close you seem to all of your family and would love to know how it worked out that way.

Now that is a loaded question.

I am sure I could easily write a book, or 7 on this very subject.

To be perfectly honest, divorce sucks. I don't mean that in a judgemental way. I know that it happens and I know that it happens to good people, all the time. But when there are kids involved, it sucks. It changes your whole world, and even the way you identify yourself. The answering machine says "The Richarts", but you're a King, only they are not the Kings anymore but the Mock's/King's. It is so much bigger than I think people give it credit for. Marriages are so casually tossed aside these days, as though they were nothing more than a pair of outgrown jeans.

The first line in Anna Karenina (love that book) reads, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way." I suppose everyone who has been through life with divorced parents would have a very different tale to tell, but this is mine. In a nut shell.

Growing up I often felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Your parents remarry and get their do-over and you are just the leftovers. The annoying tie that binds them to someone they no longer wish to be a part of, like the jacket that the old boyfriend left behind. You get caught up in child support wars, and hurt feelings. Step parents are tough too. I won't lie. It is very hard for someone to love someone else's child like their own, so integrating families takes a lot of work. It is still a work in progress.

I could go in to detail and drag out old hurts, but it wouldn't matter. There is hurt and struggle involved and that's all I really need to say.

Through the years I have thought about the damage that comes from being a child of divorced parents, but most of the time, it just is what it is. Not ideal, but it is all I know. It is hard to look at the situation and say I wish it had been different, because there are people who were once strangers, and are now family. People I would have never known had my parents stayed married. There are people who would not even exist. People I can't imagine not having in my life.

As for how I became so close to my siblings. I think in a world where we didn't always know where we fit, we just held to each other. It is so much easier to adjust to new siblings than new parents. During the years when I lived with my dad and stepmom, I attached myself to Linda's kids. Kids can become family so effortlessly. Then when I lived with my mom and she started having kids with my stepdad, I was the big sister and I wanted to make everything okay for everyone. They would come to me for diaper changes or a snack, or when they peed their pants because they knew I wouldn't get upset. (Now that I have potty trained a few of my own, I understand why by #6 my mom had had her fill of peed pants.) We just created a world out of what we were given, and the kids felt the safest together. I think the relationships that we formed as siblings actually went a long way toward healing the entire family, and eventually after many years, tears, and lots of work we became one family. Even my moms kids are welcome at my dad's house, and vice-versa. We are still totally dysfunctional, but we have learned to love each other and make room for each other. Like I said, we are still a work in progress, but at least we are still working at it.

I will say that when I married Seth a lot of people threw statistics at me about children of divorced parents. Seth's parents are divorced too. But I have said it before and I will say it again. I will not give anyone else the credit or the blame for my life. My marriage is mine. I am actually glad that Seth understands the world that I come from. I am not glad that he had to go through what he did. His parent divorced when he was 15, and I think it would be so much harder to let go if I'd had memories of my family together. But we both see marriage the same way. There are very few marriages that could not be worked out and we are in this thing, with fists held high, straight on to eternity. We erased the word divorce from our vocabulary.

I think knowing what divorce can do can give you strength in a marriage. And maybe I have just been lucky, because there has not been a day when I have not loved Seth. There have been challenges, but I am so not over this guy.

I feel like the best antidote for a child from a split family, is a good marriage. I love being a part of a family. It mends everything. Just a few weeks ago we were driving around and I started crying. I had just been talking to someone I love dearly about some residual hurt that still exists today from the divorce. I was looking at my van full of people, with Seth in the driver's seat, and I just felt so blessed to have come so far. I started bawling to Seth about divorce, and how only now that I have kids do I really realize how awful it is to split a family. Nothing would be the same, not even my relationships with my kids, without Seth. This family is their safe haven in a crazy world, and I will cling to that with everything I have. I can't imagine parenting without Seth. Just the little moments when we exchange a glance and I know in our eyes that we are sharing the same heart. We are seeing a love for our children, or pride in something they just said or did, or just a look of happiness and security. This family is ours, and no one else could ever see it through the eyes that we share through our marriage.

Being loved by Seth has changed my whole life. When someone loves you that much, you stop doubting all the years when you didn't know where you fit, or who you could trust. You finally know "just what you're worth". So today's song is for Seth, because it speaks to my feelings about divorce and healing in a way that my own jumbled words can not right now. Thanks Coldplay.

Cheryl asked: Also, even though our tastes in books differ a lot I love it when others seem to love reading as much as I do. When did your love of reading begin? Did you have a book read to you or that you read as a child that turned you into a reader?

Ha,Ha! Well so far, we are definitely not seeing eye to eye on books, but I still love doing the book club with you.

I think I loved writing before I ever loved reading, which may explain my taste in books a little bit. For me, it is all about the art of using words. Once I found that I could express myself in words, I was fascinated by reading. An entire art form out of just words.

As a child, I remember my mom reading me Amelia Bedelia and the Frances books (Bread and Jam for Frances, etc.,). My favorite book at school was Miss Nelson is Missing. I don't know that these books made me a reader. I think I just liked the attention of being read to, like most kids.

Then when I was in 4th grade, when we moved back to Downey, my grandma started taking us to the library every week. I thought it was so fun to get to take something home for free. I loved the smell of books and the plastic bookcovers taped to the book. One week my brother Jeff brought home Ramona the Pest, and when he was done he passed it along to me. That was my first chapter book. (Alyssa read it the summer after Kindergarten...don't kids start with picture books anymore?) I stayed up late with a flashlight and was so caught up in Ramona's world. I guess that is when I became a reader.

During childhood my favorite books were the Ramona books and anything Beverly Cleary, Dicey's Song and Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt, The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin, and so many more. I love Newbery Award books. I just gobbled up 2-3 books a week from 4th grade all the way through Junior High.

Then in high school, I transitioned to the other side of the library. Where the big kids browsed. I admit that I was caught up in all things VC Andrews for a few years. I read the Flowers in the Attic series 4 times in it's entirety.

And then, glory, glory hallelujah, I was introduced to John Steinbeck. Junior year we were required to read East of Eden. I was totally captivated by the story and the insight, and the writing. My English teacher doubled as the cheerleading coach and she was not taking this book seriously. I was offended. Every day she would ask questions about the book to test whether or not we'd read. Surface level questions like, what were the names of Adam's twin boys? Each time you raised your hand and answered you got a point. At the end of the week she would give you a cute decorated index card with your points and grade for the week. Every week mine came back with a 0 and an F, all decorated with smiley faces and hearts. She was totally missing the point. and I was not going to sell myself out for a few points on an index card. And I guess that is when I became a book snob, and devout Steinbeck groupie.

Alright Cheryl, you're up and even though we don't hang out enough I feel like I know so much about you because you are such a good blogger. But here are a few questions.

Julie asked: I am going to say "right back at ya" with the reading question. How did you become a book lover? It is funny that even though we have yet to find a book that we agree on, I still feel more connected to you because you are a reader. It doesn't hurt that your maiden name is King too, and that Doug comes from Johnsons. I am pretty sure we are related, or that we should be.

Julie asked: I also know that this winter has been filled with homesickness for so many of us Western transplants. Something about frigid cold that makes a place less appealing, but I would love to hear about your Wisconsin experience. Was it difficult to make the decision to move here? What have you liked the best about living here? How has it changed your relationship with your own little family, and with your family back in Utah?

Julie asked: (if this is too personal, feel free to skip it, and tell me so I can delete it) I remember once you told me that you were baptised at 11 years old, right? I am curious what it was like to grow up in Utah, since you have lived on both sides of the Mormon fence. Did you hang out with Mormon kids? Were they nice? I hear so many horror stories and so many heartwarming stories about growing up in Utah. I am just curious what your experience was like.

Up Next: Another last minute entry from Stephanie