Sorry to keep dumping all my issues in my journey with Bernie on you. Journey With Bernie? Do you think that could be the next Marley and Me? Yeah probably not. I hear that was light and funny, not neurotic and depressing.
So since we last talked we have had all kinds of fun.
We took the towel out of Bernie's crate a week ago because he buried poo under it and that solved the pooping in the crate thing. He had never peed his crate so I wasn't even worried about that until he did it twice on Saturday, resulting in two puppy baths. I put the towel back in the crate and we have had no further crate accidents of either variety.
Sunday was one of our better days. I was still only able to get away for one hour of church but Sunday wasn't bad.
Monday he had diarrhea so that made me nervous but thankfully it all landed outside so Monday was going okay until the kids came home from school. I had had enough puppy time so I asked Alyssa and her neighbor friends to take him out back for an hour. Fifteen minutes later they ran in to tell me that they had Bernie on the porch swing and he jumped off and was limping. Fantastic! The neighbor girl ran and got her mom since she has had dogs before so she ran over to help. She assured me that he would limp for a day but be fine but as I stood on my front porch talking to her I completely lost it. Like, somebody institutionalize this woman, lost it. She told me that this is not working and that I need to give this dog back and I lost it even more. She tried to convince me that this is not healthy and that I look miserable and I see those things but the thought of giving up is disastrous to me too. She took him to her house until Seth got home to pick him up.
Tuesday was okay, except for that Bernie has figured out that sometimes the crate means that I am leaving so he was wailing when I did school drop off and pick up. Then in the afternoon he was sleeping at my feet and when I picked him up post nap to take him outside he was covered in pee. He hadn't even stood up so he must have peed in his sleep? Who knew? So it was in to the bath with the dog and add sleeping at my feet to the things I can no longer rest at ease about. But by the end of the night I felt pretty calm and was sure that I could get through the night without waking up sick.
Wrong! I was up at 4:00 Wednesday morning sick. Nothing had even happened yet when Seth said I love you and hugged me goodbye and I burst in to tears, which happens a lot now. The kids will ask why I am crying and I won't even be aware that I was.
Then that morning after Bernie pooped he was dragging his butt on the ground and then smelled like poop. After breakfast he wouldn't poop so I took him on a walk to speed up the process, which worked but it didn't all fall so again he did the butt scoot and since he is a long haired dog it got matted in to his fur and let me tell you, that stuff is harder to get out than bubblegum. I got some with wipes but realized a bath was needed. I scrubbed him, and drained and cleaned the tub three times and still had to pull more off with wipes and puppy was not happy with me.
And I realized that when these incidents happen I go in to mom mode and get it done but afterwards I fall apart. Bernie fell asleep in my arms as I dried him off and I sat there bawling with snot running down my face.
The actual act of getting it done I can handle but not knowing what new disaster comes next has me in shambles. And then it triggers a chain reaction and my whole life falls apart and I end up sad about things I wasn't even sad about before. Yesterday Chloe and I snuck out to the library and park for an hour or so and even at the park I was sad. There were two moms there with their 10 kids combined and I had no one to talk to and Chloe had no one to play with and I was suddenly profoundly sad and lonely.
You probably already know that I have some anxiety issues. My mind goes to the craziest places and I have battled it all my life. I have never taken medication because I want to beat it myself and I strongly believe in the power to overcome. Rest assured though that I do not judge other people's decisions because I do not live in anyone else's skin or know the extent of what they suffer but this is what is right for me. A long time ago I decided that I could give in or lean in. I chose the latter and I fight very hard every day but this new little trial has sent me reeling.
I don't eat, can't sleep, have constant stomach pain and occasional chest pains and difficulty breathing. I pray and talk myself through it and know I am overthinking and overstressing. It is just a puppy. Just put it in the crate and leave. Stop thinking about it while you aren't at home. Eat something. Breathe. Relax. I am constantly having reassuring conversations with myself but I can't make it go away.
So of course I am getting a lot of the obvious advice...to choose my health over this dog. My neighbor even called to check up on me and offered to take him permanently so the kids could still be part of his life. A lot of people I know have gotten rid of dogs; my parents rehomed 3 dogs when I was a kid and they were even outside dogs. I know it doesn't always work out and I don't judge others (especially now that I have walked a mile in their shoes) but I do judge myself. I am disgusted with myself for taking this kind of risk at the expense of a living creature. The thought of taking this dog from Alyssa is beyond horrifying to me...to say I would do anything for her and then backpedal. To take this dog from Seth who has wanted a dog all his life and only briefly had an outdoor dog as a child...I feel like he would resent me forever. To admit that I could NOT do something that other people do so easily. To admit that I could not get my own emotions in check. These things send chills down my spine. I don't mind admitting that I don't want the dog, but to say that I couldn't do it is just too much.
I told Seth that this reminds me of breastfeeding Chloe, which felt like the equivalent of putting my boob in a blender. At one point she was spitting up blood so I pumped a bottle to see if it came from her or me and got a bottle of red milk. No lie. I would scream and cry and shake and wish I was in labor instead and the exact minute it was over I would already be worried about doing it again in 2 hours. This feels the same, only without the worth it moments that would come between feedings, the moments where I knew why I couldn't give up. Seth tried to assure me that I have had those moments, when I see the dog with Alyssa or when he is being funny and cute and I hated to tell him that not even in those moments has it ever felt worth all of this. I admit that he is cute and loving and sometimes even funny and I have had moments of relief, when crate accidents stopped or when he is in bed for the night but worth all of this madness? No.
Today I am feeling stronger though. I woke up sick at 3:30 this morning but I did manage to choke down some cereal and I have been pretty calm all day. I am learning Bernie's patterns pretty well so I know when I can let him out of the kitchen and in to the living room without risking and accident. I do still have to keep two eyes on him and I have realized that I hate being confined to the couch but it is better than the kitchen floor. He is getting used to our schedule...when we leave for school drop off, school pick up and lessons and we have learned that he cries less when we leave if we leave the TV on. He is going potty on command for me really well and switching to 2 feedings a day was a revelation because I can predict his poops so much better now and leave him in the crate without as much stress. I desperately want a day OFF...like the WHOLE day from 6:00 AM to 10:00 PM where I don't have to do ANYTHING but Seth has busy Sundays and even busy Saturdays with Eagle Scout projects to help with and church dances to chaperone. But we are putting little pieces of the puzzle together each day and falling in to a routine. I will not say that I am enjoying it. It still feels more like a job than a joy but the longer I fight, the more convinced I am that I can do it and that I will be a stronger person when I come out on the other side.
So since we last talked we have had all kinds of fun.
We took the towel out of Bernie's crate a week ago because he buried poo under it and that solved the pooping in the crate thing. He had never peed his crate so I wasn't even worried about that until he did it twice on Saturday, resulting in two puppy baths. I put the towel back in the crate and we have had no further crate accidents of either variety.
Sunday was one of our better days. I was still only able to get away for one hour of church but Sunday wasn't bad.
Monday he had diarrhea so that made me nervous but thankfully it all landed outside so Monday was going okay until the kids came home from school. I had had enough puppy time so I asked Alyssa and her neighbor friends to take him out back for an hour. Fifteen minutes later they ran in to tell me that they had Bernie on the porch swing and he jumped off and was limping. Fantastic! The neighbor girl ran and got her mom since she has had dogs before so she ran over to help. She assured me that he would limp for a day but be fine but as I stood on my front porch talking to her I completely lost it. Like, somebody institutionalize this woman, lost it. She told me that this is not working and that I need to give this dog back and I lost it even more. She tried to convince me that this is not healthy and that I look miserable and I see those things but the thought of giving up is disastrous to me too. She took him to her house until Seth got home to pick him up.
Tuesday was okay, except for that Bernie has figured out that sometimes the crate means that I am leaving so he was wailing when I did school drop off and pick up. Then in the afternoon he was sleeping at my feet and when I picked him up post nap to take him outside he was covered in pee. He hadn't even stood up so he must have peed in his sleep? Who knew? So it was in to the bath with the dog and add sleeping at my feet to the things I can no longer rest at ease about. But by the end of the night I felt pretty calm and was sure that I could get through the night without waking up sick.
Wrong! I was up at 4:00 Wednesday morning sick. Nothing had even happened yet when Seth said I love you and hugged me goodbye and I burst in to tears, which happens a lot now. The kids will ask why I am crying and I won't even be aware that I was.
Then that morning after Bernie pooped he was dragging his butt on the ground and then smelled like poop. After breakfast he wouldn't poop so I took him on a walk to speed up the process, which worked but it didn't all fall so again he did the butt scoot and since he is a long haired dog it got matted in to his fur and let me tell you, that stuff is harder to get out than bubblegum. I got some with wipes but realized a bath was needed. I scrubbed him, and drained and cleaned the tub three times and still had to pull more off with wipes and puppy was not happy with me.
And I realized that when these incidents happen I go in to mom mode and get it done but afterwards I fall apart. Bernie fell asleep in my arms as I dried him off and I sat there bawling with snot running down my face.
The actual act of getting it done I can handle but not knowing what new disaster comes next has me in shambles. And then it triggers a chain reaction and my whole life falls apart and I end up sad about things I wasn't even sad about before. Yesterday Chloe and I snuck out to the library and park for an hour or so and even at the park I was sad. There were two moms there with their 10 kids combined and I had no one to talk to and Chloe had no one to play with and I was suddenly profoundly sad and lonely.
You probably already know that I have some anxiety issues. My mind goes to the craziest places and I have battled it all my life. I have never taken medication because I want to beat it myself and I strongly believe in the power to overcome. Rest assured though that I do not judge other people's decisions because I do not live in anyone else's skin or know the extent of what they suffer but this is what is right for me. A long time ago I decided that I could give in or lean in. I chose the latter and I fight very hard every day but this new little trial has sent me reeling.
I don't eat, can't sleep, have constant stomach pain and occasional chest pains and difficulty breathing. I pray and talk myself through it and know I am overthinking and overstressing. It is just a puppy. Just put it in the crate and leave. Stop thinking about it while you aren't at home. Eat something. Breathe. Relax. I am constantly having reassuring conversations with myself but I can't make it go away.
So of course I am getting a lot of the obvious advice...to choose my health over this dog. My neighbor even called to check up on me and offered to take him permanently so the kids could still be part of his life. A lot of people I know have gotten rid of dogs; my parents rehomed 3 dogs when I was a kid and they were even outside dogs. I know it doesn't always work out and I don't judge others (especially now that I have walked a mile in their shoes) but I do judge myself. I am disgusted with myself for taking this kind of risk at the expense of a living creature. The thought of taking this dog from Alyssa is beyond horrifying to me...to say I would do anything for her and then backpedal. To take this dog from Seth who has wanted a dog all his life and only briefly had an outdoor dog as a child...I feel like he would resent me forever. To admit that I could NOT do something that other people do so easily. To admit that I could not get my own emotions in check. These things send chills down my spine. I don't mind admitting that I don't want the dog, but to say that I couldn't do it is just too much.
I told Seth that this reminds me of breastfeeding Chloe, which felt like the equivalent of putting my boob in a blender. At one point she was spitting up blood so I pumped a bottle to see if it came from her or me and got a bottle of red milk. No lie. I would scream and cry and shake and wish I was in labor instead and the exact minute it was over I would already be worried about doing it again in 2 hours. This feels the same, only without the worth it moments that would come between feedings, the moments where I knew why I couldn't give up. Seth tried to assure me that I have had those moments, when I see the dog with Alyssa or when he is being funny and cute and I hated to tell him that not even in those moments has it ever felt worth all of this. I admit that he is cute and loving and sometimes even funny and I have had moments of relief, when crate accidents stopped or when he is in bed for the night but worth all of this madness? No.
Today I am feeling stronger though. I woke up sick at 3:30 this morning but I did manage to choke down some cereal and I have been pretty calm all day. I am learning Bernie's patterns pretty well so I know when I can let him out of the kitchen and in to the living room without risking and accident. I do still have to keep two eyes on him and I have realized that I hate being confined to the couch but it is better than the kitchen floor. He is getting used to our schedule...when we leave for school drop off, school pick up and lessons and we have learned that he cries less when we leave if we leave the TV on. He is going potty on command for me really well and switching to 2 feedings a day was a revelation because I can predict his poops so much better now and leave him in the crate without as much stress. I desperately want a day OFF...like the WHOLE day from 6:00 AM to 10:00 PM where I don't have to do ANYTHING but Seth has busy Sundays and even busy Saturdays with Eagle Scout projects to help with and church dances to chaperone. But we are putting little pieces of the puzzle together each day and falling in to a routine. I will not say that I am enjoying it. It still feels more like a job than a joy but the longer I fight, the more convinced I am that I can do it and that I will be a stronger person when I come out on the other side.
So here's hoping we are on the upswing! But I have thought that before and every time I thought I had hit rock bottom, the bottom fell out again so we will see.
Sorry if this is all WAY more than you care to know about me and I do hope to get back to real posts at some point, you know, when I have time to do real things again. And thanks for listening.
9 comments:
I know you really want to do this but there is nothing wrong in not being able to do it. I think your health and sanity is more needed. If you do rehome Bernie I would take your neighbor up on their offer. Alyssa and Seth won't blame you. You have to do what is right for the family.
Love ya Julie!
Sorry it's hard. I don't envy you! Have you thought about trying a doggy day care? You might be interested in this one http://www.centralbarkusa.com/dog-day-care.html
They have one person for every 2 dogs. That's better than child care! Just to give yourself a break. You can do it, but we all need a break and some help. Good luck!
Julie- here I go again....
You know breastfeeding was the same for me. With both kids. With Abi I would brace myself every time I began to feed for the pain I knew I was about to endure. There were many a bloody spit up. But I endured. I kept going and although it never got easy it got better. I breastfed her until she was 13 months old.
But then came Maddy and it was the same but worse. I would cry the entire time and she was always throwing up blood. The dr's said it was fine but it just freaked me out. I had no idea how much nutrition she was actually getting and I made the decision to go to formula at only 5 months. That was a horrible decision for me. I was wracked with guilt and anxiety (as you know I too suffer from anxiety) but I knew I had to do it.
My opinion is that you HAVE to get rid of this puppy. Nothing should interfere with your life like this Julie. I do not think that Seth's and Alyssa's feelings will suffer more from having the dog taken away then they will from having you on edge, crying all the time, and not able to sleep and eat. Your health is obviously suffering Julie.
It may get better. But what if it doesn't? Bernie will be more attached to your family. Alyssa and Seth will be more attached to Bernie. Your health may suffer more. I think you need to do it and I think you need to do it now.
Now, that is just my opinion and I completely understand that it is hard for you to do so. I hate giving up on things. I feel like a failure when I can't do something. But the truth is we can't all do everything. There are some things we have to give up.
No one will judge you for this and if they do they are idiots.
You and your family come first.
Sorry, but I'm with your neighbor. Give the puppy to someone that has the time to take care of such a needy pet and if the kids are devestated about not having a pet, get an older dog that is already trained. We tried having a puppy for about a month right before I had Macy, but it was just too much for me so we gave her away. The kids were sad, but I explained why we couldn't keep her and they got over it much faster than I would have thought.
I recently saw a saying that made me think of you.
Don't be afraid to fail.
Be afraid to no try.
I don't know what to say. I want to tell you to hang in there and that it does get better. However, it sounds like you may still have these anxieties even after Bernie is trained (sounds like he pretty much is given a few slip-ups here and there). If you've got someone willing to take Bernie happily into their home, then it may just be what you need to do. I don't want to end up seeing you on the national news, Julie, if you know what I mean.
For some reason my comments are being dropped tonight ... so I'm trying this again.
First of all, no advice from me. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. This sounds like it's a very tough time in the Johnson home right now. Hang in there. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. This has nothing to do with either of those issues, just a lot to do with anxieties you've had for a lifetime.
As you face the very real choice of finding another home for Bernie, there may be other alternatives, too. If you choose to keep him, a good coach on the sidelines may be very valuable. Good luck. I'm thinking of you.
just thinking, i love you. and anxiety sucks... sucks eggs!
Oh, Julie!! I haven't even checked your blog in forever, but just wanted to see what you've been up to and I've been missing you guys!! I'm so sorry that this puppy thing has not just been a simple, fun addition to your family, and I wish I knew what to say. I have no saige wisdom to offer, but I can tell you that my family had a dog for a short time when I was little and my mom hated it and got rid of it, and none of us hold any kind of grudge or anything! I don't want you to even think of it as something you "can't" do--it's just a bad situation maybe, and you don't "need" to do it. Your family doesn't need you to do it--I promise!
On a different note, were those YOUR feet I was seeing in sandals? :) By the way, I quoted you in church the other day when I was released from YW. I remember how you said that as Primary Pres. you basically got the credit--good or bad--for lots of things that you didn't necessarily do, but it kind of goes with the job. (I was saying I felt like I often got the credit for the good, hard work of the many other leaders and I was thanking them.)
Anyway, I've been thinking of you and hoping you were up to something exciting like writing a book or something...that's what the world needs you to do!! Love you!
Post a Comment