Dog Days of Summer

I don't think I am overly dramatic. High stress, sure, but not dramatic. In fact I have always thought that women WAY over dramatize how hard it is to be a mom. So I am not just throwing words around here for dramatic effect. I am honestly, truthfully losing my mind. Taking care of this dog is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Not the hardest thing I have ever been through, just the hardest thing I have DONE. For real!

I cry ALL the time. I wake up EVERY morning sweating and sick to my stomach which requires a run to the bathroom where I take deep breaths and repeatedly tell myself that I can do this for one more day. It even got so bad that Seth took Friday and Tuesday off to give himself a 5 day weekend and to give me a hand. 

I cry whenever anyone asks me about the dog. I cry when I am at home. I cry even when I leave the house because I am worried about going back and because I miss my life. Just being out shopping or at the library with my kids whenever I want to without worrying about when I need to be back. I cry because I should have waited one more year. This is my last year with a child at home, and the kids at home years have easily been the greatest part of my whole life, yet I can't focus on her because I am on 24/7 dog patrol. Sometimes she even gets jealous and cries because she wants me and I have to tell her no even though I would much rather be with her than the dog. And of course she is no help as I try to train him. She will wake him when he is sleeping in his crate. She will whistle just as he squats to poop and he will think he did something wrong and run away and then we have to wait until he feels safe enough to go again. Or she will play with him when he is supposed to be going potty and he will forget what he is outside for. It makes everything I am trying to do so much harder.

And even when he goes in the crate there is no break. I have to do dishes or laundry or try to squeeze in a few minutes with my kids. I am so tired, and frustrated and overwhelmed.

I wanted to collapse in to bed last night as soon as Bernie fell asleep but I have prayed so hard and so long and nothing is helping so I decided I needed to read my scriptures, which of course have been collecting dust in recent days. At first I was barely paying attention but by the third chapter I ran in to this old favorite...

And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that He would deliver them out of their afflictions.

And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage.  Mosiah 21: 14-15

I realized that while I was begging for help I was NOT talking to Heavenly Father about anything else. I had reduced my relationship with Him to nothing more than begging and pleading. I realized that He will help me but that He wants to be real in my life and not just the life preserver that I grasp for when I am in peril. I also found hope that He can ease this burden, not deliver me from it, just make it easier. 

I woke up hopeful. Still sweating and sick to my stomach but hopeful that it would be a better day. We had a  pretty good morning and then we needed to go to the vet. I waited and waited for Bernie to poop. Apparently all dogs are supposed to poop within an hour of eating but with this guy it is anywhere from 30 minutes to 4 hours, which makes it hard to crate him until he goes. I finally had to leave and as soon as I put him in the car he pooped in his crate. Apparently dogs never poop in their crates but again we broke the mold. He did this about a week ago when we woke up at 6:30 so we have learned to always get up at 6:00 and that fixed the problem, but we had never had any crate accidents during the day. I fell apart. You are supposed to be able to crate your dog to help train them and now I have to worry about accidents in the crate?

I cried all the way to the vets and all through my appointment. The doctor and his assistant were so nice and sat and talked to me for an hour to give me advice and encouragement. He told me to switch to only 2 meals a day to try to get his bowels on a more regular schedule. He also told me to use the crate when I need to. He is up to 3 times a day in the crate but only for 30-60 minutes max so the rest of the day I follow his every move so I can get him out of the house to pee and poop. He rarely has accidents in the house but it is not because he is housetrained, it is because I shadow him. The vet told me to use the crate more so I don't have to follow him as much. He told me to stop listening to people who say their 8 week old puppy is housetrained because they are the exception and his 5 month old puppy still has accidents. Ugh! He assured me that Bernie is healthy and well behaved and a very smart breed and that letting an occasional accident happen does not mean he will never get it. He even taught me to growl when Bernie nips at the kids and it is working. I left with so much gratitude in my heart because he was willing to give his time to help me. Yes, I was paying but that was just for the shots. He did not have to spend an hour talking me down from the ledge. I don't believe that is what they train for in vet school? It truly did ease my burden just a little bit, as the scripture promised.

This is still not easy and I don't think it will be anytime soon. I still mourn for the loss of the life I know and love and want to quit sometimes but there are tender mercies along the way and I can do this for one more day. And if I keep doing it for one more day, maybe one day I will not wake up nervous or sick or crying. So it is onward we go...

And for my mom who said back to school pics were nice but that she really wants to see the puppy, here he is. He weighed in at 10 pounds on his first vet trip which we thought was too high but took their word for it. Today he is noticeably bigger and weighed 6 pounds so they clearly got it wrong the first time.

I had to take this one because on Friday Seth offered to watch Bernie while I took the kids out. He had him from morning until about 3:00 PM and as soon as I got home Seth fell asleep for 3 hours. I woke him up at 6:00 to watch the dog for a minute and he sat down with him and was instantly like this. It is so tiring and he didn't even have to do it for the 16 hours a day that I put in. I think Seth agrees that is is hard but he does not get the emotional unraveling thing that I am doing. He stays a lot more calm about it all, but again....16 hours a day!!!

We bathed him and he is so tiny under all that hair. The hair makes him feel like a teddy bear so I don't want to cut it too short and he really does not shed, as in I have never seen a single dog hair, even in his brush.

And here he is with his momma. Even she gets tired of taking care of him but she always tells me it is the least she can do and jumps up to help. She also gives me lots of hugs and thank yous and encouragement. 

And here is Bernie's favorite place to be. He slinks right out of his comfy spot to lay on my feet.

And that is Bernie at 10 weeks old. Sounds fun, right?