How Do I Love Thee?

If you have missed the posts where I share too much information, today's your day, because last night I learned something worth sharing.

Last night I learned that I need to learn new languages, because sometimes I am a jerk.

Allow me to explain.

Last night was the Relief Society Christmas dinner. Five minutes before Jen came to pick me up, Chloe overflowed the toilet. Seth plunged it, because if I plunge it, I make it worse. Everytime. I have tried, but can not seem to figure out a plunger. After he plunged, he went down to the basement, because if the toilet overflows, sometimes it floods into the basement too. When he came back up he handed me Clorox wipes and asked me to clean up the bathroom. I was annoyed. I was seconds from leaving, and told him I was not cleaning a bathroom. I am kind of weird and I always clean bathrooms before I shower, or I feel gross all day. Plus, the previous night, Seth went out with work friends while I played with the kids, and I felt like it was his turn to hold down the fort. Admit it, you get snotty like that sometimes, too. Right?

My ride arrived and I hurried out the door. I almost left my purse, but since Seth was visibly annoyed with me, I grabbed it. I wanted to have my keys when I got home so that I wouldn't have to pound on the door and make Seth let me in. We headed out, and picked up our friend, Gabby. Half way to the church my cell phone rang. Immediately I knew that it was Seth and that he probably wanted the van keys. I didn't know he was going anywhere. I put him in charge of the activity advent calendar since I would be gone. He refused to tell me what they were going to do. He asked me to bring the keys back. I explained that that was not possible since Jen was driving and there were other people in the car (and snow on the roads, to boot). He hung up. I text messaged to suggest they take the car and told him where extra carseats were.

I kicked up my seat warmer and settled into my cozy seat in Jen's car, trying to put the whole thing out of my mind. We started speculating about what the night held in store for us. I worried that it would be too churchy. Isn't that awful of me? But the thing is, I NEVER get out of my house alone and when I go to Relief Society activities that turn out to be nothing more than long church talks over dinner, I get bored and frustrated. I want to talk to people. I can listen to church talks on Sunday. I know that sounds mean to the ladies who speak, but I spoke at last year's Christmas dinner and I am sure there were people who felt the same way.

We got there and chatted over dinner, and then they turned the time over to Sister Oldham for our presentation. Sister Oldham is one of my favorite people in the ward, so I was happy that if I had to be quiet and listen to a talk, that she would be the one giving it. She started talking about love and the ways people show love. She based her remarks on a book about marriage. I am not into self help books, or psychology, but her presentation helped me to see so many things that have been right in front of my face for 13 plus years, but I have somehow never seen.

She talked about 5 Primary love languages, or ways that we feel loved by others. They were...

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

She talked about how we all have our Primary love language, the one that we understand and speak fluently. She said that we tend to show love to others using our language (the way we prefer to be loved), and not in the way that they prefer to be loved (with their language). Does that make sense? I was still skeptical, too.

I couldn't even think of which one of those languages fit me, since I didn't come from a real lovey-dovey family. She showed us bits of different conference talks that illustrated each kind of love, and I started to get it.

Seth's love language is gifts, coupled with acts of service. Him, his mom and his grandma are the givingest people I have ever met. I have given examples of this before. They are very attentive and very generous. They seem to be constantly making mental notes of what people need or want and then giving all year round. That is how they say I love you. Seth will bring chocolates home from a business trip just to have something physical to give me to let me know he missed me. He thinks a lot about what to get me for holidays and makes sure my stocking is always chuck full of all my little favorties. He also serves others so effortlessly. He is quick to see a need and jump to help. These languages are so foreign to me. If you ask me to help, I will, but I probably won't think of it on my own. And gifts....I am the worst gift giver ever. Seth usually has no gifts under the tree, and maybe a box of mints in his stocking. It is not for lack of trying. I agonize for weeks each year, but can never think of anything to get him. At some point I gave up trying. Gifts are his thing, not mine. But last night I kept hearing Sister Oldham's words in my mind...we want to be loved in our language.

And it's true.

I don't need the gifts. I feel loved when I receive them, because I know Seth is big into giving them, but I don't NEED them. I figured out my love language. Do you know it? When I came home, and gave Seth a run down of everything I learned, he picked it out right away.

My love language is quality time. Seth likes family time too, but I absolutely thrive on it. It doesn't matter what we are doing as a family, it always ends too soon. That is why we do activty calendars and big parties, it is about creating memories. I am the one who stays too late at the party and talks too long and never wants to say goodbye to people. When I am in California, me and my siblings follow each other everywhere. If one of us has to leave the room, the others follow close behind. Even my youngest brother, who is 21, and has his own bachelor pad, came to my sister's house while I was there, and then to my mom's house when I was there. He spent the whole two weeks wherever we were. We kept laughing because he didn't even bring clothes, so he had to keep fishing old shirts out of my stepdads closet. He never even made it home long enough for a change of clothes. Why? Because time is everything to our family. We don't say I love you, and we don't hug too much, but we have to be together. That is the hardest part about living far away. I miss time. I have breakdowns when I have to leave my siblings, and Seth doesn't quite get it, because he speaks a different language. I don't need things. I need time. Lots of time. That is why I take so many pictures and blog. I am recording time. It is my souvenir of the moments in my life.

And when I think about it, even with our different languages, Seth and I are not so different. He loves souvenirs. We buy so many souvenirs on trips. He is also a sentimental saver (AKA pack rat). I always bug him to get rid of stuff. I hate stuff, but those are his reminders of time and love in his life. He likes a physical reminder (a gift, if you will), but we both just want to remember moments. Perhaps we could learn to communicate after all?

I know I am capable of learning other people's languages. I have learned my kids languages. Alyssa needs lot of hugs and snuggles. She sits all over people and cuddles with everyone, and so we make sure to give her lots of physical affection. Alex needs lots of words of affirmation. He tells me all day that he loves me, I am pretty, I am the best mom, etc., It gets excessive, but that is his language and I have learned that he lights up when I tell him he is smart, or cool, or kind, or that I love him. Chloe is all about time. She loves attention. I think that is why she acts out sometimes. All day I hear, can you sit with me? can I go with you? can you play with me?. She loves when I give her my time.

If we can learn their languages, certainly Seth and I could learn each others as well?

I will say that Seth does a better job crossing over into my world than I do crossing into his. I think that is partly because his dad is big on quality time, too. He makes sure to get every second he possibly can with his kids and grandkids. Quality time is probably Seth's secondary language, but still we have different primary languages. While I have always been content to just leave it that way, last night I was made very aware that I should at least try to learn other peoples languages. We jump through hoops trying to show others that we love them, but if we could only learn their language and tell them in the way that they love, maybe they would finally hear us. Hard, because I don't want to go around hugging people and I sure don't think I can learn to give a decent gift, but wouldn't it be awesome if I knew how to tell people I loved them in a voice they would recognize? Wouldn't it be awesome if other people understood my language and could translate my overstaying my welcome into my way of saying that I like their company, and that my failure to end a conversation is just my way of giving and asking for time? Wouldn't it be awesome?

I think so.

On that note, what the heck should I get Seth for Christmas? AHHHHHHH!

And what's your language? Maybe if you just tell me, I could more easily adapt when I am around you. Please don't tell me hugs or gifts...those are my toughies.

Oh, and for the record...even after our argument last night, when I came home I knew that Seth still loved me. You know how? Because while I was out, their top secret activity advent mission was to shop...for me. He had each of the kids pick something for me and I had three little gifts wrapped and sitting under the tree when I got home. And Seth should know that I still love him, because when I got home I made him stay up way too late talking to me about everything I understood better now, and hanging out with me. This understanding other people's languages thing could be kind of fun.