A Little Late Night Mind Puke

I learned early on in life that it is best to just be friends with boys.  Why, you ask?  Because girls are mean.  If you are in a group of girl friends, every one has to be paired off in to sub groupings of "best friends" and then numbered in order of their importance to the group. And if any given girl is absent from school, leaves early from the party, or even goes to the bathroom, the remaining girls will talk about her while she is gone.  It did not take me long to realize that when I left they must also be talking about me.  Instead of wondering what they said, I learned to have ONE girl friend, and aside from her, to hang out with boys.

Well, today I was reminded that mean girls are still alive and well.

Alyssa got a few new summer shirts and new sandals this weekend. Today she paired a new shirt with a cute cardigan and jeans and finished the look with her new sandals.  She looked cute, but I think she always looks pretty cute.

She came home with a note from a "friend" that started with...

Alyssa,
You look so cute today.  I am glad you got a new outfit because usually we make fun of how ugly you dress behind your back.

The note went on to talk about how glad this girl was that she was popular and had lots of friends, blah, blah, blah....

Seriously, why would you ever write that kind of note?  Because, girls are mean.

It is almost painful for a girl to give another girl a compliment without qualifying it in some way.  I even see it with grown women.  I have even seen it in myself.  I can easily compliment others on things that I am not good at, but if it is a mutual talent I used to really struggle to give a compliment.  As if by admitting that someone else was good at the same thing as I was, I would siphon a little of my own talent and deposit it in their tank.

And we wonder why women are acutely aware of their appearance and apprehensive about every word they say.  They start life out being constantly and mercilessly scrutinized.

So how do you teach your daughter to deal with mean girls? Because I have learned that there are still mean girls in adulthood, but I have also learned that there are so many women who are amazing friends. I want her to understand that most mean girls are not really mean girls. They are just insecure girls who haven't learned to love themselves yet, neither have they learned that hurting others makes you feel weaker, not stronger. I want to help her believe that if she holds on tight it does get better, but I remember the sting of ugly words and I remember that no adult could tell me anything that made my pain any less dramatic.

I do not want her to go in to adulthood jaded, but maybe that is just part of growing up because sadly you cannot teach a child in words and reassurances things that they can only learn through living.

So when these ugly situations arise in our home I remind my kiddos who they are, knowing that I cannot repair or undo, but also wanting to do the best I can to counterbalance the damage. Of course even in the midst of my there, there's I secretly know that my opinion does not carry the same weight as the opinion on the playground, but I also know that one day, it will.

Anyway, that is the rambling in my head tonight.