I was released from Primary. I know how I feel but I am still struggling to find words for it. I guess the closest I could come is WAAAA WAAA WAAA!
I am not going to lie. I took it pretty hard. Okay, really hard.
I guess I knew it had to be looming, but I thought that maybe I could convince the Bishop to give me one more year, or two, or forever. When my Presidency had to be redone this year I talked to Bishop about making sure I had counselors who could potentially transition into the next Presidency. We talked about how my three year mark in Primary would be in June, but I told him I would hate to leave before the annual Primary Program. Once we started the new theme I wanted to see it through. After this conversation we never talked about releasing me again. Not a whisper. I thought that maybe, if I worked hard, and didn't make waves, they would forget how long I had been in there. Only now I know that Bishop must have taken out his calendar after that one conversation and circled program day in red ink with the words RELEASE SISTER JOHNSON!
Okay, I am kidding. My Bishop has been nothing but supportive and encouraging in this and every other calling I have served in. But less than an hour after the program was finished, church not even over yet, there I was bawling in the Bishop's office.
And let me detour for a second to tell you that the program was AMAZING! Or at least it was for me. I love program day. I laughed and I cried and I cried and I cried.
And speaking of crying, after I was released I CRIED! For two hours. So hard and so ugly that I ruined my contact lenses. They salted up and fogged over and I couldn't see. I tried to pull it together since we had family in town (more on that later) but inside the hurt lingered, bonded tightly to my very being. And when everyone else had gone to bed, I cried. Until 2:30 in the morning. Until I was sick.
Nothing felt right. I felt like I couldn't even recognize myself. One minute I was laughing with my Primary friends. The kids were celebrating their success in the program. I was enjoying the we did it moment with the Presidency. The music leaders were showing me the songs they picked for Christmas, Easter and next year's program. I was thinking how blessed I am to work with these women and how excited I was about Primary. I was riding high, and the next moment it was gone. The world I knew. The world I loved. Gone. As the room emptied out I stood there and looked at the room that has been my home with new eyes, knowing that it would never again look the same as it had when it was mine, and knowing that a part of me was not coming with me on the road forward. I felt the Spirit come over me in waves. Physically felt it undulate over me, and I know that I am forever changed for having been able to serve in the Primary.
And that is what is so funny about serving in the church. People come and go from callings all the time and everyone hugs them, thanks them and wishes them well on their way out, but three weeks later everyone has transitioned to the new world and eventually they forget old brother or sister so and so. I mean, really...do you remember who was Primary President when you were a kid? Yeah, me neither. And that is okay. I didn't do it to be remembered, but while everyone else has the luxury of moving on, the person who has been released is never the same. I am not the same Julie Johnson who accepted that calling back in 2008. I never will be.
You may think I am over reacting. I don't mean to, but I can't tell you how much this hurts. Primary had crept into every part of my soul and become a part of my very identity and now I am trying to figure out who I am without it. How do I assemble the rest of the pieces of me back into a whole?
Now I admit, that the more that I have thought, and cried, the more I have realized that there are some things I will not miss.
I will not miss going to church at 7:30 3 weeks a month for Ward Council and meetings with the Bishopric. I am excited to drive to church with my family again.
I will not miss being in charge. I never needed to be in charge. You get too much credit and too much blame.
I will not miss having to make phone calls or having to ask people to help me. Never liked that.
But I will miss the people I have served with, the Presidency, the teachers, the music leaders, everyone. I will miss doing Sharing Time. I will miss Saturday activities. I will miss the Primary Program. I will miss singing time. I will miss the Spirit that is stronger in the Primary room than anywhere else in the church house.
And I will miss the children. Those are my babies. Every one of their names and stories etched on my heart forever. There are parts of my calling that were hard. Being with the kids was never hard. It was honestly one of the greatest blessings in my whole life.
I am so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me with these beautiful children. I have loved being able to serve in Primary with all three of my own kiddos as well. I am so much more appreciative of the Primary as an organization. I am so much closer to my Heavenly Father than I have ever been. I have felt him improve upon my strengths and help me with my weaknesses. He has helped me accomplish things I could not have on my own. I have loved the beauty in the simplicity of Primary. I don't care how much you know about the gospel, there is no one closer to God, or more faithful than a child. They know who they are. And because they know it, I know it.
Now you may be wondering where I am headed next. Hold on. Let me blow my nose, and dry my eyes and I will tell you.
Alright.
I am going to be the Beehive Advisor, which means I get to work with the 12-13 year old girls in Young Womens.
It is funny, because I admit that for most of my adult life I wondered why they kept putting me in Primary. I have basically always been in Primary, except for one stint teaching Relief Society. I wanted to be in Young Womens. Why? Well, the answer is 100% vain.
You see, I have always noticed that the sisters in Young Womens are usually hot, or cool, sometimes both. The YW look up to these women. They want to grow up to be as hot, or cool, or both as they are.
To be in Primary you have to be fun, creative, silly, but not necessarily hot, or cool. Don't get me wrong. We have some very cool, and hot and both ladies in Primary, but I have always felt like being in YW made it official and I wanted to be that super cool, super hot, I wish I could grow up and be just like her chick. But at some point I got over my vanity and realized that I am totally okay with being the dorky, fun, Primary lady, and realized that I love Primary.
I guess now that I am humble enough to handle it, I get to go to YW. But I am still dorky and fun. Not giving that up. I've worked too hard for it.
And I am actually pretty excited to hang with the Beehives. Why? Because I have missed all of them horribly since they graduated from Primary. I am not sure how I will ever convince them that I am cool enough to be in YW, but I can't wait to hang out with them again. I am also thinking of all the 11 year old girls who will be graduating from Primary soon. I used to wish they would stay 11 forever and never leave me, and now I am counting down until their 12th birthdays. And so it goes on....I will fall in love with yet another calling.
Through all of this I can truly see Heavenly Father at work. The new Primary President is my friend, Kennon who you know is my new friend from preschool. We have become fast friends this year. She loves the gospel. She does so much that is charitable and good in the world around her. When they told me she was taking over, I knew that Heavenly Father had wanted me to get to know her not only because I needed a friend, but also to give me the peace I needed about leaving Primary. Also, Raylene who was only recently made my first counselor is now the YW President and she is brilliant. They are so blessed to have her and I am so blessed to have gotten to know her because as we have talked she has told me that she knew that I should come with her to work with the YW and that I would find comfort in being with the Beehives that I already know and love. Nothing is random. God is over all and so I trust that my work in Primary is done and I trust that Heavenly Father knows exactly where I need to be now and who I need to become next.
Afterthoughts: Okay, I typed that yesterday morning but couldn't post it until the word was officially out in church today. I do not want to rewrite the whole thing, so I will just add what today was like for me.
I started crying the second I walked in the building. Not a great start.
Dozens of people were released and reorganized but I was the only one that was hysterical and making everyone else uncomfortable. But to be fair, I had been in my calling the longest.
Alyssa cried when I was released. In that moment I realized that maybe no one else will remember my time in Primary, but my kids will. It meant something to them and they know how important it was to me. I am grateful for that.
The new Primary Presidency is awesome, and I am so happy that two of the members of my Presidency stayed behind.
I am so excited about the women who are going to be serving in Young Womens.
The Bishop made me come up and bear my testimony in Sacrament meeting. I truly have NO idea what I said or how I got through it.
Lots of adults came to thank me and say things that were nicer than I deserve.
The kids did not bat an eye, and that is as it should be. I was just a vessel, and the work goes on.
I was asked to go in to YW and bear my testimony and it was WAY too quiet in there. How am I supposed to teach without the noise?
I still feel very much like I am walking around on a different planet. Like I have been removed from my body and I am watching myself and wondering who that person is walking around in my skin.
I am still sad.
But I am also happy.
And grateful.
And if reading this post made you horribly depressed, don't fret. We had a very busy week, with 8 houseguests and I have lots of light, fun posts heading your way.
I am not going to lie. I took it pretty hard. Okay, really hard.
I guess I knew it had to be looming, but I thought that maybe I could convince the Bishop to give me one more year, or two, or forever. When my Presidency had to be redone this year I talked to Bishop about making sure I had counselors who could potentially transition into the next Presidency. We talked about how my three year mark in Primary would be in June, but I told him I would hate to leave before the annual Primary Program. Once we started the new theme I wanted to see it through. After this conversation we never talked about releasing me again. Not a whisper. I thought that maybe, if I worked hard, and didn't make waves, they would forget how long I had been in there. Only now I know that Bishop must have taken out his calendar after that one conversation and circled program day in red ink with the words RELEASE SISTER JOHNSON!
Okay, I am kidding. My Bishop has been nothing but supportive and encouraging in this and every other calling I have served in. But less than an hour after the program was finished, church not even over yet, there I was bawling in the Bishop's office.
And let me detour for a second to tell you that the program was AMAZING! Or at least it was for me. I love program day. I laughed and I cried and I cried and I cried.
And speaking of crying, after I was released I CRIED! For two hours. So hard and so ugly that I ruined my contact lenses. They salted up and fogged over and I couldn't see. I tried to pull it together since we had family in town (more on that later) but inside the hurt lingered, bonded tightly to my very being. And when everyone else had gone to bed, I cried. Until 2:30 in the morning. Until I was sick.
Nothing felt right. I felt like I couldn't even recognize myself. One minute I was laughing with my Primary friends. The kids were celebrating their success in the program. I was enjoying the we did it moment with the Presidency. The music leaders were showing me the songs they picked for Christmas, Easter and next year's program. I was thinking how blessed I am to work with these women and how excited I was about Primary. I was riding high, and the next moment it was gone. The world I knew. The world I loved. Gone. As the room emptied out I stood there and looked at the room that has been my home with new eyes, knowing that it would never again look the same as it had when it was mine, and knowing that a part of me was not coming with me on the road forward. I felt the Spirit come over me in waves. Physically felt it undulate over me, and I know that I am forever changed for having been able to serve in the Primary.
And that is what is so funny about serving in the church. People come and go from callings all the time and everyone hugs them, thanks them and wishes them well on their way out, but three weeks later everyone has transitioned to the new world and eventually they forget old brother or sister so and so. I mean, really...do you remember who was Primary President when you were a kid? Yeah, me neither. And that is okay. I didn't do it to be remembered, but while everyone else has the luxury of moving on, the person who has been released is never the same. I am not the same Julie Johnson who accepted that calling back in 2008. I never will be.
You may think I am over reacting. I don't mean to, but I can't tell you how much this hurts. Primary had crept into every part of my soul and become a part of my very identity and now I am trying to figure out who I am without it. How do I assemble the rest of the pieces of me back into a whole?
Now I admit, that the more that I have thought, and cried, the more I have realized that there are some things I will not miss.
I will not miss going to church at 7:30 3 weeks a month for Ward Council and meetings with the Bishopric. I am excited to drive to church with my family again.
I will not miss being in charge. I never needed to be in charge. You get too much credit and too much blame.
I will not miss having to make phone calls or having to ask people to help me. Never liked that.
But I will miss the people I have served with, the Presidency, the teachers, the music leaders, everyone. I will miss doing Sharing Time. I will miss Saturday activities. I will miss the Primary Program. I will miss singing time. I will miss the Spirit that is stronger in the Primary room than anywhere else in the church house.
And I will miss the children. Those are my babies. Every one of their names and stories etched on my heart forever. There are parts of my calling that were hard. Being with the kids was never hard. It was honestly one of the greatest blessings in my whole life.
I am so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me with these beautiful children. I have loved being able to serve in Primary with all three of my own kiddos as well. I am so much more appreciative of the Primary as an organization. I am so much closer to my Heavenly Father than I have ever been. I have felt him improve upon my strengths and help me with my weaknesses. He has helped me accomplish things I could not have on my own. I have loved the beauty in the simplicity of Primary. I don't care how much you know about the gospel, there is no one closer to God, or more faithful than a child. They know who they are. And because they know it, I know it.
Now you may be wondering where I am headed next. Hold on. Let me blow my nose, and dry my eyes and I will tell you.
Alright.
I am going to be the Beehive Advisor, which means I get to work with the 12-13 year old girls in Young Womens.
It is funny, because I admit that for most of my adult life I wondered why they kept putting me in Primary. I have basically always been in Primary, except for one stint teaching Relief Society. I wanted to be in Young Womens. Why? Well, the answer is 100% vain.
You see, I have always noticed that the sisters in Young Womens are usually hot, or cool, sometimes both. The YW look up to these women. They want to grow up to be as hot, or cool, or both as they are.
To be in Primary you have to be fun, creative, silly, but not necessarily hot, or cool. Don't get me wrong. We have some very cool, and hot and both ladies in Primary, but I have always felt like being in YW made it official and I wanted to be that super cool, super hot, I wish I could grow up and be just like her chick. But at some point I got over my vanity and realized that I am totally okay with being the dorky, fun, Primary lady, and realized that I love Primary.
I guess now that I am humble enough to handle it, I get to go to YW. But I am still dorky and fun. Not giving that up. I've worked too hard for it.
And I am actually pretty excited to hang with the Beehives. Why? Because I have missed all of them horribly since they graduated from Primary. I am not sure how I will ever convince them that I am cool enough to be in YW, but I can't wait to hang out with them again. I am also thinking of all the 11 year old girls who will be graduating from Primary soon. I used to wish they would stay 11 forever and never leave me, and now I am counting down until their 12th birthdays. And so it goes on....I will fall in love with yet another calling.
Through all of this I can truly see Heavenly Father at work. The new Primary President is my friend, Kennon who you know is my new friend from preschool. We have become fast friends this year. She loves the gospel. She does so much that is charitable and good in the world around her. When they told me she was taking over, I knew that Heavenly Father had wanted me to get to know her not only because I needed a friend, but also to give me the peace I needed about leaving Primary. Also, Raylene who was only recently made my first counselor is now the YW President and she is brilliant. They are so blessed to have her and I am so blessed to have gotten to know her because as we have talked she has told me that she knew that I should come with her to work with the YW and that I would find comfort in being with the Beehives that I already know and love. Nothing is random. God is over all and so I trust that my work in Primary is done and I trust that Heavenly Father knows exactly where I need to be now and who I need to become next.
Afterthoughts: Okay, I typed that yesterday morning but couldn't post it until the word was officially out in church today. I do not want to rewrite the whole thing, so I will just add what today was like for me.
I started crying the second I walked in the building. Not a great start.
Dozens of people were released and reorganized but I was the only one that was hysterical and making everyone else uncomfortable. But to be fair, I had been in my calling the longest.
Alyssa cried when I was released. In that moment I realized that maybe no one else will remember my time in Primary, but my kids will. It meant something to them and they know how important it was to me. I am grateful for that.
The new Primary Presidency is awesome, and I am so happy that two of the members of my Presidency stayed behind.
I am so excited about the women who are going to be serving in Young Womens.
The Bishop made me come up and bear my testimony in Sacrament meeting. I truly have NO idea what I said or how I got through it.
Lots of adults came to thank me and say things that were nicer than I deserve.
The kids did not bat an eye, and that is as it should be. I was just a vessel, and the work goes on.
I was asked to go in to YW and bear my testimony and it was WAY too quiet in there. How am I supposed to teach without the noise?
I still feel very much like I am walking around on a different planet. Like I have been removed from my body and I am watching myself and wondering who that person is walking around in my skin.
I am still sad.
But I am also happy.
And grateful.
And if reading this post made you horribly depressed, don't fret. We had a very busy week, with 8 houseguests and I have lots of light, fun posts heading your way.
8 comments:
Of course the day we miss is the day the world goes crazy.
I can't tell you how sad it makes me that you won't be the president in there anymore. You were the best.
And not just your kids will remember you. You know Abi adores you. You know she doesn't feel that way about every adult. Every kid in primary knew you loved them and I would be surprised if any of them don't remember Sister Johnson who loved them and did the most amazing activities ever.
Also, I feel really bad that I sent you that email the other day dumping my issue on you. That must have been terrible when you knew that you were being released. I am so sorry.
I think you will be an awesome beehive advisor. I know they are very lucky to have you!
Thanks for all you have done for our children and all of the primary Julie. You have touched the lives of so many.
You really were a wonderful president. That's a calling I've never wanted, but my favorite calling ever was as a counselor in a primary presidency. I LOVED working with all the kids and getting to help with the theme, program, sharing time, etc. Ever since being released from that calling (a few years ago) I have never found another calling I liked as much. I have stayed in the primary since then, but always as a teacher. And while I love teaching in primary (seriously, I do!) it's not the same not getting to work with ALL the kids.
How nice that you get to work with the girls you just said goodbye to! That'll be awesome, both for you and them.
And your testimony really was wonderful today. I'm sure you deserved every nice thing that was said to you. I could always tell how much you loved the kids, and I know they could too. We will miss you in there.
Yes, the program was AWESOME! And not just because MY grandkids were in it, and another grandkid (Olive) sat by me and sang every song, but because it was so well prepared and organized and everyone felt the spirit that day. You will be missed in that calling, but you will also be fantastic in the YW. Just a question--since I spent so much time with the YW, does that mean I am hot, or cool? Not just that old lady in YW. (Our current YW pres is 71 yr old--so is that hot or cool?)
I still have "MY" YW come up, hug me, talk to me, text me. So I'm thinking that's so cool! You've seen me in my bathing suit, so you know I'm not hot--anyway, the girls will love you and you will love each of them.
Those YW will remember you. They will remember your testimony. They will remember the fun times, and the serious times, and the spirit they felt when you teach. And--lucky you--no girls camp. (Although I LOVE camp!) Maybe you can do a trek??
We loved being around you guys, and we really miss all of you! Thanks for letting us come--
Oh those are the bitter sweet moments. Just think of all you have done for those little spirits and they will always remember the spirit you helped them recognize!
And some of the old primary girls will be your new beehives, and before you know it Alyssa will be joining you. Sigh, keep praying and count your many blessings.
How crazy is that! Do you remember my comment (about a month ago) when I told you I had been released? Do you remember my new calling? Beehive Advisor! Pretty weird, huh? Reading you post totally hit home. When I was first called, I felt like a fish out of water. Now, I am learning (slowly learning) to swim. I am SO excited for you, and I am excited for me<---I am hoping I can not only piggyback off your great Mother ideas, but now I can copy your beehive ideas too! Your calling just may be a huge blessing to me. :) You always do everything amazing!
You were an incredible Primary President and I know that you will be an incredible Beehive Advisor. I love that you loved your calling and wish that everyone could feel that way even though it does make it hard to be released. Your ward is lucky to have you!
Btw, it was SO sad leaving my kids behind. :( I really LOVED being in there with my kids. I loved seeing them participate and sing, and I am so sad I won't be in there when Grayson becomes a Sunbeam in January.
Ryder and Kaden both cried when they found out I wasn't going to be in Primary...especially Ryder because I was his teacher.
All eras must come to an end, but they definitely had a gem of a Primary President in you. I never heard of a Primary President sticking around so long until you, so that says something about how much you did for the Kenosha Primary. I'm sure you will do great in your new calling.
I have to say I was shocked at myself becoming Primary President, but it's growing on me. I'm sure I'll never accomplish what you did, but I hope I can at least make a difference in our small branch. I can totally see how those little ones become like your other children. A 10 y.o. boy just got baptized this past week after begging his non-member parents for since he was 4 to join the church (his grandpa is the member). They finally relented, and I got to witness the pure joy this boy really was feeling. On his first Sunday since being baptized he came up to me to ask if he could say the opening prayer, and he also told me he felt bad for not getting up to bear his testimony in Sacrament because he had so much to say. I guess you could say I was amazed that a boy his age would have these kinds of feelings and drive to be a member. I'm lucky to have him in Primary.
P.S. So does this mean that since I was YW in three of my wards that you consider me to be "hot" and "cool"? Ha!
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