I have had so much stuff in my head lately. So much self-doubt, so much skepticism, so much cynicism. So much that is blocking anything else from getting in or coming out. And I know where it comes from, cause I know Satan likes me. He always has. But even in knowing, I can't always make it go poof.
I am at one of those points, that we all hit from time to time where my Spirit is in a real fight. On the surface, nothing has changed. I have a beautiful family and our day to day looks very much the way it always has. There is nothing "wrong" in my life, so if you are looking for something, you will not find it. The struggle is entirely within. Keep in mind that it is February, so that could surely be half the problem.
The point of this post is to get this gunk out of my head, so that I can move forward. Will I ever actually publish this post? We'll see.
I am thinking my struggles started in the last 10 months or so when my once joyful calling became really hard. How is it that things went without a hiccup for a year and a half and then suddenly nothing was ever right anymore? And every time I start to rise above it, something else falls badly apart. I hesitate to talk about it or ask for the help I need because I am embarrassed. And I am afraid that it will be perceived as whining, or that my leaders will just release me, and that is NOT what I am after. I am just trying to figure out what has gone wrong, and how I can get it back.
I am not fishing for compliments. I appreciate those of you who have been unceasingly supportive of me, but I am not asking for another pat on the back or a "you're doing just fine Julie". I know what my strengths are. I am creative. I have fun with my calling, and I am committed. I show up and I do what I am asked to do. I don't dump work on other people. I am reliable. There I complimented myself, so now you don't have to.
The problem is that while I may have been called to bring these strengths to Primary, they have not been enough. I was also called to expand and grow in areas where I am weak. I am not organized. I procrastinate. I don't delegate well. I don't like to confront people. I don't like to call people so I put it off until the last possible minute. I don't like the politics of my calling, only the fun stuff. Lately with everything going wrong I feel like I am being tested to see if I am growing in the areas where I am weak, and I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am losing the confidence of the people I serve with, and even worse, of the parents of the kids. In truth, I know that most parents don't pay any attention and couldn't even tell you who all is in the Primary Presidency, but I feel like everyone is watching me in disapproval.
Once Satan gets in my head, he really burrows in. So while my defenses have already been weak, I keep accidentally stumbling upon anti-Christian sentiment in the world. On the news, on the Internet. It is everywhere I look. It is hard to be religious right now, and maybe even harder to be Mormon. So then Satan digs in my head and tells me, do you really want to raise your kids this way? Wouldn't it be easier if they didn't have to go up against the world to defend what they believe? And I start to buy it, because I worry so much about my kids and the things that will make their lives hard. It will be hard to be who they are in this world. Believe me, I have read and heard all kinds of scathing hatred about our church and some days I just want to put on my blinders and take the easy road. I don't want to fight. If I didn't fight, and didn't think, maybe Satan would get out of my head.
Now of course, I know better and I know all the blessings and joy that I would lose. I know that living the gospel, while it is HARD, is the real easy road, but Satan is tricky and he can make living in the world look so much easier than fighting.
And so the struggle goes on, and I am left feeling very vacant and very afraid, which is how I know that none of this comes from God. That is not how He makes people feel.
I have fasted, and prayed, and tried so hard to prepare good lessons for Primary and to stay involved, but underneath it all the battle wages on. I am barely hanging on through church each Sunday and I come home and crash for three hours, because fighting the fight has taken everything out of me.
So here is a funny thing. Yesterday I was reading East of Eden (yes, I do read it a lot), and thinking about how smart it is, how it perfectly captures human nature. I know I have droned on about it before, but this book is a masterpiece. It explores our nature and gives words to thoughts that I thought only I had deep in the recesses of my mind. I won't recommend it again, since last time I had some backlash from people who disagreed with me completely, but for me, it says so much that is real. I could probably write an East of Eden essay a week and never run out of things to share (and no I don't get any money for my John Steinbeck endorsements, Jared).
Last night as I was nearing the end of the book and kind of sad about it because I wanted more of it's wisdom and understanding, I read something.
We learned then that war was not a quick heroic charge but a slow, incredibly complicated matter. Our Spirits sank in those winter months. We lost the flare of excitement and we had not yet put on the doggedness of a long war.
I read those lines about 10 times because it totally nailed how I have been feeling. When I was new in my calling I ran on pure adrenaline and enthusiasm for as long as it would carry me. And now I have been in that floundering place, that Steinbeck talks about. Between the flare and the doggedness. And now I just need to dig deep and find the perseverance that will carry me through the hard battle to the end.
Not just in my calling, but in life. I am not newly on fire with the gospel, and I can see more clearly now how HARD it will be to hold out faithful to the end, but I need to get out of that floundering place.
I know Steinbeck is not a prophet and perhaps I am not meant to find Sunday afternoon enlightenment in his words, but those words led me to the scriptures, which is perhaps where I should have been to begin with. (In all fariness though, East of Eden is based on the book of Genesis...so at least I was in the ballpark?)
I remembered a time near the end of my mission. I was so tired, and sometimes discouraged. I worked really hard, because I knew that no matter what I lacked (LOTS) that if I worked really hard I could walk away knowing I had done my best. I got up at 4:30, instead of 6:30 and studied hard and then never took a break all day. With a few months to go I would wake up at 4:30, shower and sit down to study, and half the time I would fall asleep until my companion would wake up at 6:30. Even though 6:30 was our required wake up time I felt bad that I could no longer stay awake and delve into the scriptures like I had in previous months. On one sleepy morning as I tried to keep my eyes open to study, I read the following...
...behold, sleep had overpowered them because of their much fatigue, which was caused by their labors and the heat of the day...
The context of the story had nothing to do with what I was going through, but those words spoke to me and I could feel my Heavenly Father assuring me that it was okay, that I had worked hard and that he understood that I was tired. I gratefully prayed a prayer of thanksgiving, but also knew that I still had work to do. I prayed for the strength to still give everything that I could, but not to feel guilty for what I could not.
I feel that same way now. I want to give everything that I still have left, and I know that I still have something left, but I want to be able to let go of the guilt when I mess up, or my ideas aren't as good as they once were.
And so I am trying really hard to dismiss Satan. He is strong, but not as strong as God. I am walking away from Him, and back towards my Father in heaven, who loves me and believes in me. And that's all I have to say about that.
Post....?
Don't post....?
Post, and maybe regret later that I do not know how to be anything but totally honest.
Second Week of School
3 years ago
25 comments:
I appreciate posts like this and am glad you posted it. I am regreting two of my last posts. Things have been hard and I feel like I'm just making myself look bad. I'm floundering, a lot. There is comfort, at least for me, in knowing we are all fighting the good fight. When I know there isn't just something wrong with me it makes it a little bit easier.
Thanks for posting it, Julie. It's an extremely well articulated experience that we have all gone through, and many continue to go through. I was surprised at how bad Satan dug into me while Brent was Bishop. It was hard to be supportive of all the time that calling required of him with that war raging inside of me. And I didn't feel like I could even go to my bishop with the problem. That was the hardest part. I felt really alone with my war.
But like all things, if we dig in and continue to try to stay close to the Lord, we can get through it. There is light beyond the darkness. There is hope. There is beauty. Keep praying, keep studying the scriptures, keep writing down the impressions you receive from the Lord as you do these things. And remember these truths I gleaned just yesterday from our stake conference:
Satan wants us to be miserable. The Lord wants us to be happy. We get to chose.
Satan is the father of all lies. God is a God of truth. He cannot lie. We cannot be forced to chose wrong, we have to be enticed.
Your strengths, your talents and abilities, are what the Lord needs today in the place you are at. If God could create a star to shine at the moment of Christ's birth, placing in motion eons earlier those things to bring that about, how can we question that He has also placed us now, knowing our strengths, our talents and abilities, in a place where we can successfully use those strengths to strengthen our families and the people in our circle of influence.
I'm sorry you're struggling with things right now. It sounds like it's really hard. Hang on. Don't give up. And know that when you chose right even in spite of all those feelings, you will get through it. There will be a morning when the wind stops blowing and the tulips bloom and the sun shines. I promise you.
Julie......Old English proverb says: " New brooms sweep clean". It is the nature of Church service that we rush in full force wearing ourselves down in the calling we have until one day released and recalled we find ourselves a new broom rushing full force into our new calling to repeat the cycle. It keeps the Church moving forward. The full proverb states: " New brooms sweep clean, yet old friendships still retain." God is your oldest friend... that isn't going to change.
Doubt and discouragement are a byproduct of an active mind. You certainly have one of those. A couple of pieces of advice:
1. Deliberate any doubts or concerns against the core basis of your personal faith; it always works out.
2. The Temple: being there frequently is the best antidote to the decaying culture in which we live. I cannot overstate this one.
You are doing great. I am so proud of you. You are too hard on yourself...but as Stephanie points out: 'It's a King thing.'
Anyway... keep doing good things. I like the new blog format. Take care.
Love,
Dad
First off, I like the way your blog looks too.
Next, I have to agree with the above comment about it being a 'king thing' since technically I am a King just like you.
I am glad you posted this. I am dealing with this right now too. Not in the exact same way- not with a calling completely... but in general with life.
Over the last month, especially the last three weeks, I have been in about the worst funk I have ever been in. My head too has been full of self doubt and skepticism and cynicism. I have had such a hard time enjoying all of the things I usually do and feeling motivated or excited about anything.
I didn't even decorate for Valentines day. I mean, for me that is huge.
It is interesting to me how sometimes I get feeling the way I am feeling right now and I feel even more self doubt because I'm feeling this way. There is so much good in my life why can't I be completely happy all the time. I read people's facebook status' and blog posts that state how happy they are all the time and I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't feel that way. Then I read a post like this and I think that I am not alone. We all struggle. I wish you didn't have to but I am grateful that you chose to share it with us.
I know you are not looking for compliments but I do want to tell you again how amazing I think you are. My daughter is picky. She doesn't just like anybody. I know she isn't as shy anymore and is getting much friendlier but she has always loved you. I know you've said you weren't sure why but I can tell you. She has a good radar. That doesn't mean she isn't shy with lots of good people but it means that she could feel something from you that was different and made her feel safe. I think that is the most important thing in anyone my child has as a Primary President... someone that those children know loves God and loves them. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
Also, you have really made me want to read East of Eden. I have only read one Steinbeck which I loved so I'm hopeful I would like his other works. That phrase is amazing and really does fit how I feel right now too. Thank you for sharing it.. and I don't think all inspiration has to come from the scriptures. It can come from many sources.
I hope you can receive some comfort and hopefully spring will come soon... I think that will help all of us this year. Just know that I think you are great and if you ever need to talk I am here for you. Any time.
Brittney, I like when people post the real stuff too. And for me, I can't move forward and post the other stuff if my mind is weighed down. Writing it down is therapeutic for me, and helps to really see the situation for what it is and then begin to overcome. I know you are struggling, but I was happy to read about your little triumph with the new baby.
Julie, thanks for all of your wisdom and advice. You said so much that I needed to hear. I really liked the analogy with the star and had never thought of that before. I also like the idea that we choose happiness or misery. They are definitely both available for the taking. Unfortunately Satan knows that my number one weakness is self-doubt and it gets pretty gruesome when I let him in BUT I know Heavenly Father is stronger and just waiting for me to extend my hand so He can pull me through. Thanks for sharing your experience being a Bishop's wife. I am sorry you had to struggle through that, but grateful that you shared your story.
Dad, Our church is funny, because it does require so much and you are right it is always such fun in the beginning when we are fresh, but I know there is more to be learned in the enduring. I do need to get to the Temple more. Thanks for sharing your advice, and for passing on all of this King self loathing.
Cheryl, I'm sorry that you are struggling too. I am telling you there is something about WI in February. AND all of us girls need to turn to each other more. We are all burrowed down to far into our shells. Maybe we should team up and do that Winter Girls Night I talked about last year and then never had. I am so happy that I have been able to serve with Abi. It makes my day when she runs up to talk to me and I am so excited to know that I have been able to form a lasting bond with some of these kids. I have so much fun with them, and so I always hope that even though all the adults may think I am a trainwreck, that the kids will remember good times and know that I loved them. I hope! Thanks for all of your encouragement, and just know that you are in my prayers. Let's all go somewhere warm for the month of February next year.
Dang, I wish that I read this before we talked on the phone cause now I feel like I should have let you vent more about this!
Anyway, it is no surprise that Satan would prey on you because you are SO strong and righteous. Even if he can get you to doubt yourself sometimes, you know that God would never doubt you. He is looking into your heart and knows how pure it is.
Valerie, You let me vent plenty and I felt better after we talked. I like that you don't have the King self-loathing. And I like that you laugh at me and tell me when I am overthinking things and turning mole hills into mountains. It reminds me of Lee talking to Cal when he is all bogged down with guilt about Aron, and about his dad rejecting his gift. Lee is so supportive and there for him but he tells him to stop being so self-absorbed and to quit wallowing. Sometimes I do think the guilt and over thinking are self absorbed. Surely no one is thinking about me and my flaws as much as I pretend they are. Who do I think I am? Let's just quote Lee because he really drives it home..."Are you taking pleasure from the whipping you're giving yourself? Are you enjoying your despair? You're pretty full of yourself. You're marvelling at the tragic spectacle of Caleb Trask-Caleb the magnificent, the unique. Caleb whose suffering should have its Homer. Did you ever think of yourself as a snot-nose kid- mean sometimes, incredibly generous sometimes? Dirty in your habits and curiously pure in your mind. Maybe you have a little more energy than most, just energy, but outside of that you're very like all the snot-nose kids. Are you trying to attract dignity or tragedy to yourself..." I love Lee. I hurt so badly for Cal everytime I read East of Eden but I think Lee loved him and was always trying to help him see that he was not bad, or different, or doomed. He was just human. He wanted so badly to help Cal see that he had a choice to overcome his demons, and that he was not responsible for Aron's choices. He believed in Cal and sometimes I appreciate tough love because it usually comes from the people who believe in us most. Anyway, I love Cal and Lee so I better be careful before the tangent gets out of hand. I wonder sometimes why I didn't name a child Caleb. I always wanted to name my kids after characters in books and Caleb would have been perfect.
Yes Julie we should do the girls night you talked about!
And you are right. There is something about the winters here.
You definitely have to factor in the dreaded winter into how you're feeling. Maybe I should have dragged you to that Relief Society thing last week, sick or not. Hahaha.
For me, I've let myself easily get dragged down by Satan especially when I make excuses for being too busy to do my daily spiritual cleansing via praying, scripture study, FHE, etc. And I have certainly been in that mode this whole school year. My focus has been fogged by the stresses of the upcoming unknowns, but I know that Heavenly Father would he me if I would just let Him.
We can ALL relate to what you're feeling (especially during the winter....ugh). Talk to me anytime about it. Really, I'm there for you.
P.S. I like the new blog design, too. Is Julie actually letting a little color into her life...snicker.
Jen, I guess I should have gone to that RS activity. I think it might have driven me nuts though? It is so hard to keep up with all the daily spiritual stuff with everything else that HAS TO get done. We read and pray with the kids but sometimes my own personal study gets pushed aside but I think you are right that that makes us so much less vulnerable to these kinds of attacks. As for the blog...I have been looking for a template forever that was not too cheesy or out of character for me and that had a white background, because I hate reading on anything but a white background and I finally found one that I like. It is a lot more fun to look at, even when my post is a downer.
That is awesome you compare us to Lee and Caleb cause they are the best and so are we! Too confident? Haha. I really need to read East of Eden again, it's been too long. Unfortunately, I think I'll be reading Anna Karenina for another ten years!!
I wish you could come out here for a visit...that sounds like exactly what you need right now!
just shouting out, i love you! keep the faith. I was looking up a some scrips for my sis the other day and there's a perfect one in Mosiah 24 that relates for her, you, me.
13 And it acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did astrengthen them that they could bear up their bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with cpatience to all the will of the Lord.
Thanks for posting "the real stuff," Julie.
+1 on going to the temple. There is a lot of peace and power available there, even when I can't stay awake.
"All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." How can we ever have compassion for those who have doggedly toiled for a long time at something, unless we have experienced it for ourselves?
As perfect and as good as He was, even Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!" But I believe those feelings are temporary. If we hold on to the rod despite the mists and the taunting, Satan will depart from us. After all, he had to get permission from Heavenly Father to buffet us in the first place (See Job 1:11-12).
I'm not preaching to you, I'm preaching to myself.
Sorry, me again. I just have to keep coming back to this post. The support and comments from all your friends as well as your own comments have been so uplifting and strengthening to me. What a powerful group of people you have surrounding you. I am so impressed.
I was just summarizing the conference talks in my journal, and going over the notes I took from Saturday night, and just wanted to add these to your arsenal: We had Pres. Paul V. Johnson of the First Quorum of the Seventy visit with us this conference. We rarely have GA's with us, so this was a special treat. On Saturday these are a few of the gems he gave us. I love his insight:
"Don’t get sidetracked! Be careful not to resent the things (challenges) that help us become more like our Savior, because it is our challenges that turn us into Saints. Glory follows after much tribulation. God has never broken a promise, and He won’t start with us. We don’t have to go through life scared. We know which team wins. We can invoke the protective power of the covenants we have made. Every promise is ours if we keep our covenants. We will never be forsaken."
I love that comment that we don't have to go through life scared. We already do know which team wins.
Anyway, just had to add that to the arsenal.
Two more things - love the blog design, too. And I love Steinbeck but have never read that one. Will have to add it to my list now. Sounds wonderful!
Val, Lee and Caleb are the best! Now I have been thinking about how I want to write pages and pages about Lee and Caleb. I would love to spend every Feb for the rest of my life in CA. I think it would be wonderful Winter medicine.
LeShel, I love those scriptures. They have comforted me more than once. I am also so excited to have you on board in Primary. I hope this post didn't make you afraid to serve with me. I am not always this crazy.
Jonathon, Thanks for your advice and wisdom. I appreciate your reminder that Satan's power over me is never stronger than the love and power of our Heavenly Father. I didn't think you were preaching at all, and I appreciate your counsel.
Julie, You are so right. I do have the most amazing people in my life. I am always amazed at the outpouring of support that I get from others. I am incredibly blessed, and for that incredibly grateful. So much wise counsel in these comments. I will always be glad I posted this because so many people have spoken inspired words in response. You are also right that we don't have to be scared. We do know the eventual outcome. Life still has its trials, but I need to remember what I know. I know I have an unnatural obsession with Steinbeck, but I am in awe of his words. He had such a gift and I love that he used it to capture the human experience. I have more quotes running through my head that I could share but I will refrain for now. I will say that the theme of East of Eden is good vs. evil so you do see both extremes in the book. I think he is so good at conveying evil without being too graphic or using profanity. There is only one part that makes me slightly uncomfortable, but I will warn you that I know people who have been offended by East of Eden. I actually was more taken aback by how often the Lord's name is taken in vain in Grapes of Wrath personally, but I love that book too. Maybe I will devote a post to it someday? Thanks for staying in the conversation and continuing to share messages of faith.
First of all, I'm ready to dust off my copy of East of Eden and read it again. It's been a few years and I'm missing too many of your references. Next of all, I still can't resist the urge to give you a compliment-so Ha! I love your intensity and your honesty. I love the way you throw yourself into everything you do, even your February funks. Might as well do it throughly, right? I suffer from the winter blues, too. I actually sort of look forward to them. I get tired of being sunny and chipper all year. Don't try to cheer me up in the winter. I'm enjoying my self-imposed hibernation. Lately though, I've been making a very deliberate effort to squash down any negative self-talk. I think it works because I forget to actually think mean insults for myself when I don't get all the fun of saying them to someone else. I have this deep attraction to self-deprecating humor. Wait a sec-getting off a tangent here. Anway, sunshine and cheery days are just a few months away, so enjoy your winter funk because it will surely melt away soon.
Wow, you really started some discussion with that. I think February is the month of Satan then. I have been in a spiritual funk for the past couple of months. I hate it, but it seems easier to just go with it then fight the tide and make that effort to come back.
Like you I still have my calling and I still do what I am supposed to. But my inner energy is burnt out. Just keep with it and like me even though I feel like I am barely making it I know that at least I am still trying to cling to what I believe and hope for. And I hope that one day I can look back and say I made it. One day at a time, small goals and look forward to Spring in both the weather and this stage of your life like I do.
Erin, Ha,Ha...I guess the moderation thing isn't working so well. I should have included moderating the amount of self depracation I allow myself. I also intended not to be gloomy this winter and I thought I would make it through February, especially with the Superbowl excitememnt to distract me, but here I am. I guess this had been building a long time and February has this gift for pushing everything over the top.
Kory, you are right. it feels easier to just go with it. I totally agree, but then if I go with it I end up so far from where I was trying to go, so it is back in the fight we go. I know you are having a hard time in your calling and I have to say that I am terrified of ever being in the RS Presidency so I feel for you. You have had a rough winter full of sick kids and a husband working all the time. You can only do so much. We have the interesting opportunity in our church to take an active role. Most overburdened moms do not have to also serve in their church, they just show up on Sunday and walk away renewed and refeshed. As hard as it is to get involved, it really is an amazing way to learn and grow. I love being part of the work. So we are truly blessed, even if it is tiring sometimes. One day when we are empty nesters and have all the time in the world, they will give us some easy calling that only requires 10 minutes a week, abd then we will wish we were being utilized more. Oh, the irony!
The first thing I thought when I read this is how easy it is to become weary doing good.
That's usually how I end up feeling about callings and service; weary doing good. Even the idea of being a visiting teacher for the rest of my life, or always having a calling, and maybe even being a primary teacher at 70 years old makes me feel the same way--weary doing good.
Can you tell it's the phrase of the year?
I always wonder if there's more burn out (attitude burnout) amongst members born in the church vs. those who join later.
Anyway, throw in a little criticism from just trying to do a calling, and a little gossip, too and it could make anyone want to quit serving altogether.
Maybe all members feel like this at some point.
What you are dealing with and also feeling sounds difficult. But, you always try hard, and it seems like you always work diligently at doing the right thing.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are so smart, and creative and honest. Just do your calling and let others deal with the rest.
As for Winter funk, it does look hard to have perpetual snow and cold. It looks pretty but I can see how it could become tiresome.
I loved all your references to East of Eden. I read it years ago in high school and should read it again.
I LOVE the name Caleb. It reminds me of Jacob.
It sounds like a little bear cub name.
There's a really good book called Searching For Caleb by Anne Tyler. It's funny.
Anyway Julie, hang in there and don't beat yourself up over it. There will be more callings,more criticism and more judgement, and we have the rest of our lives to be weary doing good.
hahahaha Doesn't that sound like fun?
Ok, I'm teasing. The church is the best thing out there; it's good for us, it's good for our kids, and
it's true. And it's better than anything else the world has to offer. But, it is hard. And sometimes it's harder than others.
Leslie, it is really easy to become weary doing good, which is frustrating because doing good really does make me very happy. Plus, aren't we supposed to wear ourselves out in the service of God? I love serving with the kids and would cry until December if they took me from those kids, but the behind the scenes stuff is not always fun. The kids are the easy part. I sometimes wish I could keep all the fun parts of the calling and let someone else deal with the politics. I have also wondered if converts have an easier time serving in the church, but I have also thought of how hard it would be to come into the church and get a calling when that is not what you were used to growing up. I think I might say..."you want me to do what? I am just here for the sermon." Such a unique experience we have in the church and for someone like me who is all or nothing it really is a good fit. For some reason your comment reminded me of when President Hinckley was discouraged on his mission. I love this story for two reasons. One, because even Pres. Hinckley (my hero) got discouraged and two because his dad told him to "forget yourself and go to work". I am so happy when I am just working. It is when I start allowing my vanity and my pride into the equation that I start to struggle.
I read this yesterday, but didn't have time to craft a great, insightful response, so I'm back today but probably still lacking insight. I was wondering how you were doing since there was a sudden drop in posts, and just because I think about you a lot anyway, even though I never call or anything. Anyway, you got a lot of great advice from a lot of people, so I don't feel like I need to add, just wanted to say I wish I could give you a hug, awkward though that may be! :o) Hang in there! Spring will come eventually! Love you!
Katelin, Sometimes I don't need insight and advice...sometimes it is just nice to hear that an old friend is still there. I miss you guys! I am hoping that we get together for Easter, that is the plan, right? I hope so, and I will take that hug, even if it is awkward.
Thanks for your comments! So true about fellow bloggers!
And I'm glad to read this, I've actually read it 3x and just didn't know what to comment about. BUT the same thing that keeps popping in my head everytime I read it is this, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes. My suggestion is go to the temple or read the scriptures more or pray every second you can get and help that power escape you. Thanks for sharing.
Makinzee, I hate that other people feel this way sometimes but at the same time it is reassuring to know that I am not just plain crazy. I do need to go to the temple more. I hate leaving my kids that long, especially knowing that a babysitter couldn't reach me there, so I make excuses not to go.
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