The plan was to sideline the word of the year for 2011. I set more traditional goals this year instead. However, as I have thought about my goals and how I plan to accomplish them, I realized that they could all be successfully tackled if I could but master one word.
And it's a doozy! One word I have run and hid from all my life. One word that does not fit in to anything that I am, or anything that I do. But it is time, and I am ready(ish?). Maybe?
The word?
Moderation
My inability to do anything in moderation has been a huge hindrance and I am ready to try to eliminate the extremes.
So here are my goals.
Budget
Would you believe that I have never, ever made a budget? That is not to suggest that I have unlimited resources. It just means that I have never attempted to manage money. I either fixate on money and worry about every penny, or I ignore it and spend it away. When I try to be frugal, I end up making everyone crazy. I have been known to get frustrated at Seth for forgetting his lunch at home and spending a dollar on some soup at work. Eventually I even make myself nuts and stop thinking about money altogether. That is not good either though, because then I just spend what I want. I try to stay within the amount of money that I think I have, but I never look at the bank account and I never worry about it. What makes no sense is that when I work and we have extra, that is when I stress out and won't let anyone spend anything. I guess the act of bringing in money makes me more aware of it. When I don't work, I never think about it. Pretty backward. I want to learn to set a budget and live within it. Not a psycho, no soup for you, budget (I can't believe I just used a Seinfeld reference...I HATE Seinfeld). Not a spend what you want and run out all the money a week before pay day budget. A healthy budget. Six months ago I officially let go of all my work at home contracts, so I don't have the option to jump in and make extra, so it is time.
Eating
You already know that I most often eat too much, and that I am working on it. But I want to be really careful no to go too far the other way. In the past when I have tried to eat better I end up eating too little, or giving up and eating even more than usual just for spite. If I try to count calories, I have learned that once I am getting close to 1000 for the day I start to panic. I either give up and eat 3000 more, or I refuse to eat anything else all day for fear of going over. I can be pushed way too far either way and neither extreme is healthy. I want to learn to listen to my body and to eat when it feels right and to stop when it does not. No calorie counting, no binging, just listening.
Exercising
We all know that I get on the treadmill once a year and it blows up in my face, literally, and then I give up. I have not really exercised since my first year of college, but as you may have guessed, when I did exercise it was extreme. I went to an aerobics class at night. I did a video at home each day. I took long walks daily and if I was just sitting around chatting I was doing crunches or leg lifts or something. My roommate jokingly called me the fitness instructor. I was obsessed and I was way too skinny, as in five foot seven and barely 100 pounds. I think the obsession was triggered when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism my Senior Year in High school and gained over 20 pounds in two weeks. I think I was afraid that I would keep gaining like that so I went to extremes to try to lose that weight and keep it off. Eventually I gained it back and then never thought about exercise again. I want exercise to become a part of my daily routine again, but not to become my whole life. I want to do a moderate amount of exercise and then walk away from it until the next workout.
Reading
I feel like my brains have gone to mush. When I play board games I am embarrassed at how confused I usually am. I feel like I used to be smart? One habit that I have let go a bit is reading, because yet again, it is one that I can't do in moderation. I used to read a lot, but then I didn't want to be bothered by people. I would think all day about getting back to my book. I don't have the time to be that obsessed with any one thing so I have gradually just stopped reading. Not stopped altogether, but I am not reading as much as I want to. I probably only read 5 new books last year (so embarrassed, but at least one was Atlas Shrugged-that should count for two or three). I also read a few repeats that I have read so many times that they are easier to put down when I need to. I miss reading and I want to find a way to work it into the schedule without staying up all night or shutting people out.
Cleaning
Cleaning is another thing that I obsess over, or ignore. As a child I hated to clean. I was the oldest girl and had by far the most chores. I did them, but my own room was a disaster. When I went to college I also refused to clean my poor dorm room. After I moved out of the dorms I started to settle into cleaning again and eventually surprise, surprise, I got obsessed with it. I got to the point where on pay day the first thing I did was got to Target and load up on cleaning supplies. I would scrub the toilet every time someone used it. I was that bad. Luckily going on my mission left me with no time to be that obsessive, but then I started falling into poor cleaning habits again, which followed me into my marriage. When we were first married we went to school 15-18 hours a week and worked 40 and there was no time to sleep, let alone clean. I never really got back on track until we sold our house in Utah. Then I got obsessed again. Whenever we had to show the house to prospective buyers I was a lunatic. I could see every little speck of dust and it had to be eliminated, in case anyone was looking that closely. Since we have lived in WI, I go through phases. I sometimes clean so much that I get frustrated when people eat, or walk on the floor. Despite my best psychotic efforts, something inevitably happens to mess up the house again. After a few days I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start to get it back on track, so the mess builds until I am brave enough to tackle it again. I want a clean house, all the time, but I also want to be okay with letting people live in it and learn not to have a panic attack if someone stops by and sees things out of place. I think I need to go back to the method I adopted a few years ago. I would clean for 10 minutes out of every hour (if I was home) and then walk away. Sometimes I would get into a project and not want to walk away, but I learned to do bigger projects during the last 10 min of one hour and the first 10 min of the next so that I could do 20 min in a row and then hopefully walk away. I need to learn to do the best I can and leave it at that.
Sleeping
This one is easy, I have never slept enough. I want to try to maintain a healthier sleep schedule.
Calling
I have been really trying to relight a fire under myself where my church calling is concerned. For the first two years I was fully immersed. I worked really hard. Really, really hard. You might think going to the extreme with a calling is a good thing, but not necessarily. At some point I got tired, and started to run out of ideas. I realized I had taken on a lot of work that I should have delegated. And in the midst of being tired and overwhelmed, I had a few run ins that took the wind out of my sails. I had given everything I could. Sure there were areas where I was weak, but I truly felt like I had done my personal best and it wasn't enough. I was hurt and I felt like I had failed and should just give up. Since then I have been treading along just trying to keep my head above water, but the passion and the obsession have gone. I love the Primary kids and I love the theme for this year so I really want to make it a good one. The goal is to figure out how to get back in the game without letting it take over my whole life. I feel so embarrassed lately. The people who are newer to Primary have never seen me operating at full capacity, and I don't want to go out like that. I have been fasting and praying, and while I still see the magnitude of the job in front of me, I am feeling better. I am totally over being offended and I am really trying to move forward.
Those are my goals! Sounds like a lot, I know, but if I can learn to do all things in moderation, success would be in the bag. I admit that I have always kind of liked my black or white, in or out, fully committed, totally obsessive personality. I like to stand up for what I am, completely, but I do see where embracing the extremes has led me to some unhealthy habits. I am starting to understand why the scriptures counsel over and over again to be temperate. I am going to try.
Second Week of School
3 years ago
16 comments:
Oh, so funny that we posted about the same thing today. I hear you loud and clear! But don't get too down on yourself. You do so many good things all the time, and you are so so fun. Hope you never change who you are!
Those are definitely admirable goals. I can relate to getting OCD about things to the point where I get burnt out and then don't even want anything to do with that situation again. Hence, why I've got screaming web clients outside my door with their pitchforks (not really, but I have been slow to respond to them lately, just getting burnt out on it). Good luck with your "moderation" goals, and I'll be there with you every step of the way.
About housecleaning, I like to live by this mantra..."Make Your Home Clean Enough to be Healthy and Dirty Enough To Be Happy."--Unknown
About budgeting, have you heard of Mint.com...and about checking your statement...wait for my post about not checking it and what happened. Kind of sucked.
I do love this years word. It is a good one.
That's a good one. I need that too. I am so obsessive about things that it's usually all or nothing for me too.
Good luck in all of this!
Oh and I still think you are the best Primary president ever and I'm pretty sure most people think that!
Oh, dear. I need this post. I am chronically obsessive. I am a lazy workoholic, chubby dieter and mush brained chronic reader. I am also a copy-cat. So I'm stealing your word for the year. Moderation. I'm taking a deep breath now. Ohm. Ohm.
Another topic: your date. You look fabulous. I think you should continue to eat everything you want and wear your leggings too. Let's throw moderation out the window. I'm two paragraphs in and I'm ready to forget moderation and I'm ready for you to come out too. You look fabulous. Come over for dessert and seconds.
Another topic: Primary. Just let me at um! Who took the wind out of your glorious sails? I was counting on copy-catting your glorious sails all year and now come to find out some well-meaning (probably very moderate, I might add) fun-squasher sunk the boat. Let me at um. To quote the Cat in the Hat: There's always some fish some crotchety one, there's always some fish some blotchety one,there's always some fish, some sorebellied one, there's always some fish that doesn't like fun. Don't let them take the wind out of your sails.
All right, I have two young students begging for helps with their essays and they both could use a kleenex too. I'd best be going.
Great post Julie. I love that you have figured yourself out, and I think it will be easier to help put your plan into action. Good luck with your goal. I love your "word."
Great WOTY! Sounds like something we could all use. Although, I haven't seen some of the sides of you that you talk about. I thought you just liked the smell of Lysol, not obsessively cleaning!
I loved this post. I love reading about you and knowing you better.
I admire your goal for moderation, but I hate moderation. I don't believe in it at all. My word and mantra for many years has been EXCESS and ABUNDANCE.
I don't do anything in moderation. It seems like few people do, it's either too much or not enough. Have you noticed that?
My word, sadly for last year was LESS! My word for this year is BETTER. The mantra for the year is, "It better be better!"
Also, I think you look fabulous. I wouldn't exercise at all if you can get away with it, and you can.
As for reading, we started book club. It was all your idea and we're going to do it. Catherine set the blog up today so now we'll all be reading more.
I loved the song Erin quoted to you above. "There's always some fish, some crotchety one, that doesn't like fun." It's so true, and I'm sorry someone took the wind out of your sails. It's so sad what something negative said can do. It can ruin everthing, even if you try to ignore it, there is always a residue left behind that is remembered and felt.
I'm sorry. I thought everything you did sounded wonderful, creative, and fun. I think you're an excellent Primary President and want my children in your Primary.
I don't know who said something unkind, but, do you want me to beat 'em up?
I always like it when someone tells me that after someone hurts my feelings. It always makes me laugh and feel better. And I love to say it to anyone who's been sad or hurt by someone.
I also understand all about cleaning, and I loved the post when you wrote about mopping and cleaning your floors. I thought your floors were beautiful.
But, about Seinfeld.....is it Jerry you hate?
He got on my nerves. Whiney goes get on my nerves. I never liked Ray Romano's show either because I thought he was whiney.
All right, we'll have to discuss this further.
Was it Elaine?
Ok, just know I loved this post, and I'm sorry you have trouble sleeping.
That was suppose to be whiney guys not whiney goes.
Sorry I went on and on about hating moderation. I only meant it's a wise goal to have, but I am no good at it.
I admire you for trying.
I hope I didn't sound awful, I didn't mean to if I did.
Sometimes, I come on a little sstttrrroonnnnggggg!
Julie, I really loved your post today! You were much more concise and poetic than I am.
Emily, If I don't check the statements, Seth will, but I am curious to hear your story now.
Cheryl, Thanks for your kindness. I could also use a little bit of your word for the year, or a lot actually, but I am not ready for that one yet.
Erin, Everyone has at least one critic and I am sure I have hurt feelings and offended people too, so I didn't mean to be crying poor me and blaming my inadequacies on anyone. I hope it didn't sound that way. I understand that I alone am accountable for how I serve in my calling. It was no ones fault that I burned out but my own. I bit off more than I could chew too many times and hurt feelings were just the straw that broke the camels back, but only temporarily because I am big on getting over it.
Ann, what are you saying? That my house is a pigsty and that I never clan? Great, now I have to go stress about my house. I do love Pinesol, but you can't have a house that smells like Pinesol if you don't clean. Although, and this is so sad, I started getting headaches when I used Pinesol. I have tried many other cleaners and the only other one I like is Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach. My kids love it too and always say it smells like Wisconsin Dells. But, that one is strong and gives me headaches sometimes too so I am still looking. Oh and I LOVE Clorox wipes. I use them everyday. The yellow ones are my favorite.
Leslie, I like the words less, and better too. I guess I will borrow those another year. I, like you, am also happy in my excess and abundance, but I know that moderation is healthier and harder so I hope to learn something about self-mastery and control along the way. So I was not offended at all, I get what you are saying. I am so excited about cousins book club!!! I belong to one other book club, but no one has been reading the books lately and I even flaked out on my own pick. I am hoping that we can get some of the non-blogging family members on board too. I am mostly just excited for another place to go and chat with all of you. And Seinfeld, I don't know what I am missing but I hated everything about that show. Jerry drives me nuts, his voice, his sense of humor and mostly the tight black jeans with white tennis shoes. They all bug me, but Jerry more than the rest. I didn't think the storylines were funny either. I was clearly just not on the same page as everyone else. That happens to me a lot unfortunately.
I'm excited for book club too.
Will your mom and sisters read with us?
I hope they will.
I get it about Jerry. I felt the same about the voice and the whine, but I did think the show was funny.
I'm not always on the same page as most people but
I'm usually only on the same page as my sisters.
Thank you so much for wanting to do book club with all of us. It really is a great idea.
Julie,
I didn't think you were crying poor me at all. I was just reading between the lines. And this is what big cousins do. They meet you after school and with a menacing leer say "Is that the kid that hurt your feelings?" That will usually do the trick. The offender will slink away, mortified. I didn't do it when you were in Downey, so now I'm doing it while you are in Wisconsin. "Is that the lady that hurt your feelings?" Huh? Huh? 'Nuff said.
What I was saying was that, whenever we are out there, you are not obsessively cleaning--you probably did that just before we got there and after we left. And i haven't seen the other "obsessions"--although I do remember something about peanut butter on your mission???
Of course, I have the same obsessive tendencies. It is actually something I like about myself though(as long as the obsessions are good ones).
It's funny how alike we are. Kelly was just mentioning how weird it is that we both worry so much about hypothetical situations...I think that all moms do that though, right?
Moderation! I think I'll make that my word for the year too. Have you tried flylady.com? She has some good basic cleaning that does just that about 10 minutes a day and your done...that is a day not an hour!
Val, I have always liked my obsesive personality too because I hate when peopel aren't fully committed. Do something or don't do it. But I do think there is a difference between fully committed and obsessed so I am trying to find that middle ground. I think all moms worry, but I do believe that we take it to new levels.
Makinzee, I have tried flylady and I like the projects, but for daily cleaning it was too hard to break my usual routines.
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